[CENSORED]

[CENSORED]

Filed under: Uncategorized

Arranged Marriages: The Presidential Primary and the BCS

Given the choice between two evils, what do you do? Most people would choose the lesser of the two, even though by doing so, they still choose evil. Yet, alternatives are dismissed as being idealistic or naive. The result is that evil persists. Perhaps when presented with an alternative to the status quo, we may want to consider them. You never know–the alternative may actually make the world a better place.

TRANSCRIPT     

BOB BURNHAM, host: Welcome to the Moron Quotient, I am your host, Bob Burnham. Mitt Romney won the Iowa Caucuses by 8 votes. He won the New Hampshire Primary  by a more comfortable margin of over 40,000 votes. The Alabama Crimson tide routed the LSU Tigers 21-0 in the BCS National Championship Game.

But if you look closely at the results from Iowa and New Hampshire, you may see a different picture. In Iowa, while Mitt Romney received 30,015 votes, over 90,000 people voted against the eventual winner. New Hampshire shows a similar result: Romney won with over 90,000 votes, but more than 150,000 voters did not cast their vote for the former governor. With more votes against Mitt Romney than for him, will voters really get the best candidate?

Likewise, can we say that Alabama is really the best collegiate football team in the nation? After all, neither team had played in over 45 days. The BCS National Championship Game was, in the words of Frank Deford, “an exhibition game, because the teams have been appointed to show up, without earning the right to show up.”

In many ways, both the primary system and the BCS are like arranged marriages: fans and voters are betrothed to teams and candidates that they don’t like, let alone love. Voting reforms may make our democracy more representative. A playoff system in college football would reveal a true, undisputed champion. But is change really possible?

In a moment, we will be joined by our Panel of Morons. But first, I’d like to introduce the 2011 National Mascot Champion, Wolfie Jr., from the University of Nevada. Wolfie Jr., welcome to the Moron Quotient.

WOLFIE JR., college mascot: Hi Bob, it’s my pleasure to be here.

BOB: So, tell me, Wolfie, are the best interests of voters and fans being served by the current primary system and the BCS?

WOLFIE JR.: I think they are, Bob, I really do, for a couple of reasons. As a wolf, I recognize that there can only be one alpha in the pack, and the position of alpha is always being challenged. The systems–in both the BCS and the primary system–ensure that the true alpha remains unchallenged.

BOB: And who is the alpha?

WOLFIE JR.: Corporate interests of course, you know, in the form of sponsorships.

BOB: Now you said there were a couple of reasons that you like the current systems. What is the other reason?

WOLFIE JR.: Sure. These systems work. Are they perfect? Of course not. Do they have their flaws? Of course they do. Can they be tweaked to make them more entertaining? Sure. But do we need to replace them with something entirely different? No. I think that’s dangerous and revolutionary, and frankly, un-American.

BOB: I’d like to now introduce our two panelists from the Panel of Morons. Professor Stewie Gumbie and Madame Goo-Goo. Professor, Madame, good to see you again.

PROFESSOR STEWIE GUMBIE, BS, MS, PhD, FOS, NCCM: Hello Bob, Wolfie Jr., I’m glad to be here.

MADAME GOO-GOO, pop-star diva: Hello Bob, Professor, Wolfie Jr.! I am so happy to see you all!

BOB: So Professor, Madame, do you agree with Wolfie Jr.? Do these systems–the BCS and the primary system–work?

PROF. GUMBIE: Yes, I think Wolfie was right on the money. As I explain in my book, The Branding of Things to Come: 10 Effective Ways to Change Your Life Without Changing a Thing, any pathfinder project must maintain fidelity to the brand. That is, the sacred cow cannot stray too far from the barn. Just because we do not like the way we pick our presidential candidates or our national football champions is no reason to kill the puppy. No offense, Wolfie.

WOLFIE JR.: None taken.

PROF. GUMBIE: Politics–like sports–is a brand, and that brand requires investment in order to overcome strategic inertia.

BOB: I’m sorry, Professor, but I’m not following you.

PROF. GUMBIE: Strategic inertia is the force that you have to overcome in order to achieve brand recognition. In politics, unknown candidates have to establish their brand. The primary system is the best way for them to overcome strategic inertia. Now, in the case of the BCS, because it is an already-established brand, it has too much strategic inertia. Like it or hate it, we’re stuck with it. The real question, then, is how do we profit from it?

BOB: Madame Goo-Goo, I was wondering, do you see this as something we will have to live with?

GOO-GOO: Well, I’m afraid so, but it’s not so much a bad thing. After all, this is all about entertainment, isn’t it? Wolfie Jr. made that point earlier, I think. You know, I think if we get over all of this, realize that it’s all entertainment, and instead spend our time doing good, the world can be a much better place, you know?

BOB: So, would you say, it’s not whether you win or lose, but how much you love?

GOO-GOO: Yes! Isn’t that beautiful?

PROF. GUMBIE: That sounds nice, but it’s not very pragmatic.

WOLFIE JR: I agree. How am I going to whip up the Wolfpack by hugging the other team’s mascot? You know, I’m a wolf; my species does not do “love” very well.

PROF. GUMBIE: Neither do politicians. I think this “love” thing simply dilutes their brand.

BOB: I am afraid that we are out of time for today. I’d like to thank Madame Goo-Goo, Professor Gumbie, and Wolfie Jr. for sharing their time and their ideas with us.

PROF. GUMBIE: Thank you, Bob, it’s been my pleasure.

GOO-GOO: Me too, Bob! I’m always happy to be here!

WOLFIE JR.: Thanks, Bob. Go Wolfpack!

BOB: Join the Moron Quotient next week as we discuss the issues that prevent us from building a more peaceful and just world. The obstacle to justice is ignorance, so let us transform the world through honest and respectful dialogue that can lead us to new insights and mutual understanding. May you be blessed with peace and goddness!

Filed under: Politics, Sports, BCS, Fair Vote, Frank Deford, Iowa Caucuses, Mitt Romney, New Hampshire Primary, Republican Primary 2012, University of Nevada, Wolfie Jr.

Less than 70: The Manifesto of the Capitalist Party

by BEN D. OVER

Introduction

A specter is haunting America, the “Specter of Capitalism.” All the powers of old America–Perry and Gingrich, Occupy Together and President Obama–have united into an unholy alliance to exorcise America of this specter.

Where is the party in opposition that has not been decried as capitalistic by its opponents in power? Where is the party that has not hurled back the branding reproach of capitalism against the more decadent opposition parties and radical adversaries?

Two answers result from these questions:

1. Capitalism is already acknowledged by all the powers in the United States as a power.
2. It is high time the Capitalists should openly, in the face of the whole Republic, publish their views, their aims, their tendencies, and meet this nursery tale of the so-called “Specter of Capitalism” with a manifesto of the party itself.

Vultures and Looters

The history of all hitherto existing society is a history of class struggle. The super-rich and rich, financier and entrepreneur, monarch and lord,  the .01% and the 1%; in other words, oppressor and oppressor. In earlier epochs of history, we find almost everywhere a complicated arrangement , a manifold gradation of social rank. Modern society has not done away with these gradations. It has but established new ones: those who oppress and those who oppress more.

Society as a whole is more and more splitting up into two great patron classes–Vultures and Looters.

The Vultures derive wealth from gambling on the success and failure of productive labor. The Looters manipulate market forces to their own financial advantage in order to expropriate the wealth of companies, communities, and families.

A subtle distinction between these classes exists in the nature of their exploitation. Vultures take advantage of failures that may or may not have been in existence a priori. Looters create the conditions necessary for  failure. Looters are Vultures with purpose.

Looters and Capitalists

In what relations do the Capitalists stand to Looters as a whole?

Capitalists are distinguished from other free-market parties–Libertarians, Tea Partiers, Republicans, Conservatives–by this only: the accumulation of financial wealth is the ultimate expression of personal liberty. The Capitalists are, on the one hand, the most resolute section of the oppressor classes of every country, that section which subjugates the needs of the many to satisfy the greed of the few. The immediate aim of the Capitalists is the same as that of all other free-market parties: formation of all oppressors into a single class, the corrosion of social justice, the commoditization of the human person, and complete control of the political process.

The distinguishing feature of Capitalism is not so much the accumulation of wealth; rather, it is the process by which wealth is accumulated. In a sense, the theory of Capitalism may be summed up in a single sentence: Do unto others in order to maximize profit.

We Capitalists have been reproached with the desire to harness greed in order to acquire the fruit of another man’s own labor. Capital is the collective product of the united action of all members of society. Capital is a social power. To tap into that power, it must be appropriated and converted into private property.

Let us now take Liberty.

Wealth, then, gains individuality while man loses it. But what man loses in individuality, he gains in wealth! A man is a man only to the extent that man has wealth. Man has Liberty only to the extent that man has wealth. Liberty, then, is a commodity that is purchased.

You are horrified at our intending to do away with humanity. But in your existing society, humanity is already done away with for the millions who live in poverty. They do not belong to unions, fraternal organizations, political parties, or civic societies. They have no voice, they have no legislative agenda. You reproach us, therefore, with intending to do away with humanity. Precisely so; that is just what we intend.

From the moment humanity becomes a commodity, that is, when it can be converted into wealth, you say individuality vanishes. Capitalism does not allow individuality to vanish. rather, it allows individuality to be purchased! Individuality becomes simply another market to be manipulated in order to maximize wealth.

Capitalism provides man with the power to subjugate the labor of others by means of wealth and the Liberty it buys. Capitalism ensures that the oppressors are able to engage in idleness, nurturing sloth from the virtue of greed.

The Capitalist way of exploitation also engenders a culture of meaningless toil such as that found in a soulless machine.

Our ideas are the logical outgrowth of consumption that drives progress. Private gain–that is, progress–is driven by the accumulation of things, which in turn, confers status, and therefore, entry into the Capitalist class. As has been stated previously, there can be no Liberty without capital, no capital without exploitation. Thus, the subjugation of the human element is a necessary condition for the Liberation of the Capitalist.

The Liberation of the Capitalist is the most reactionary espousal with traditional property relations and, therefore, with the most traditional ideas.

The Capitalists will use their political supremacy to monopolize social wealth, restrict Liberty to only those who can afford it, and increase the total productivity of their assets.

The following measures, then, are applicable for the Liberation of the Capitalist:

1. Monopolization of all property and application of rents of land to private purposes.
2. No taxation of any kind.
3. The inheritance of private debt from one generation to the next.
4. The dismantling of private and public health insurance.
5. The establishment of debtor prisons.
6. Privatization of the media.
7. The repeal of all regulatory legislation.
8. The suspension of human rights, except the right to work.
9. The expulsion of the poor into isolated communities.
10. An end to public education.

When, in the course of development, the distinctions among oppressors have disappeared and all wealth has been monopolized by the few, the State will become irrelevant. In its place, we shall have a common discord, in which the free development of the elite follows the forced retardation of all.

Filed under: Less Than 70, National News, Capitalism, Free Market, Liberty, Occupy Wall Street, Poverty, Right to Work, The Capitalist Manifesto, Vulture Capitalism

The Republican Debate

This past weekend, the candidates for the Republican nomination had two more debates. Regardless of one’s political persuasion, these debates have provided the public with vital information to help them choose which candidate is best for this country. And despite their short-comings, the debates have allowed us to get to know each of the candidates.

TRANSCRIPT

BOB BURNHAM, host: I am Bob Burnham, and this is the Moron Quotient. The first votes of the 2012 election have been cast, and the Moron Quotient is honored to have been selected by the Republican National Committee to host this debate among its candidates.

First, let me explain the rules. The Panel of Morons will ask a candidate a question, and any follow-up questions, if necessary. As the moderator, if I believe another candidate deserves the right of rebuttal, I will direct a question to that candidate.

Let me now introduce our panelists for this debate. Ben D. Over is a radio talk show host for KRAP radio. Sandy Bribescam is the former governor of the only state to have been auctioned on eBay; Professor Stewie Gumbie is a past president of the National Council of Consulting Morons; Katie Quip is a stand-up comedian; and Madame Goo-Goo, whose new album, Vanity, is due out this month. Panelists, welcome, and thank you for participating in this debate.

[applause]

This debate is about who is the best candidate to challenge Bugs Bunny, the famously flippant, irreverant, and mischevious rabbit. I would now like to introduce our candidates. Please welcome Marvin the Martian, Yosemite Sam, Daffy Duck, Henrey Hawk, and Elmer Fudd!

[applause]

Professor Gumbie, you were randomly selected to ask the first question.

PROF. GUMBIE: Thank you, Bob. This election is about challenging Bugs Bunny as the iconic Looney Tunes character.  Marvin the Martian, if you were elected to replace Bugs Bunny, how would you enhance the Looney Tunes brand?

MARVIN the MARTIAN: Thank you Professor Gumbie, and thank you Bob, for hosting this important debate. You know, Looney Tunes is the greatest cartoon series in the history of animation, and I hate to see what Bigs Bunny has done to it. Martians are people, my friend, and it is important to get Martians back to work, doing what they do best, which is blowing up the earth. I spent 2,000 years in preparing the Uranium PU-36 Explosive Space Modulator, so I know what it takes to blow up the earth.

[applause]

BOB: Thank you Professor, thank you Marvin. Katie Quip, you have the next question.

KATIE: Thanks, Bob. Daffy Duck, a lot of your critics–including those sharing the stage with you right now–are awfully critical of your position on many issues. Can you explain why you came to hold these positions?

DAFFY DUCK: My name is Daffy Duck. I worked on a merry-go-round. The job was swell, it went quite well, until the merry-go-round broke down.  The guy who worked with me was a horse with a lavender eye. Around we’d twirl, we winked at girls, until the merry-go-round broke down. Around, around, around it we sped. The dizzy pace soon went to my head! So now you know why I’m daffy, and do the things I do. I am a screw (and you’d be too) if the merry-go-round broke down.

BOB: The next question goes to Ben D. Over.

BEN: Thanks. My question is for Henrey Hawk. The Bunny Administration has shown absolutely no regard for the founding principles of Looney Tunes, appointing birds–BIRDS–to important positions. How would you deal with this singular ornithological threat that has been empowered by Bugs Bunny? Would you send Foghorn Leghorn and the Road Runner to Guantanamo Bay?

HENREY HAWK: I’m a chicken hawk, and I hunt chickens! And, as you know chickens are great big monsters with sharp teeth and live in caves. They fight like demons. But I’m a chicken hawk, and I say, let’s take the fight to them! There is a chicken fascist conspiracy in this country, and that is the most insightful assessment to explain Bugs Bunny’s radical behavior! It’s people like me who are all that stands between freedom and a steady diet of carrots!

[applause]

BOB: Governor Bribescam, you have a question for Elmer Fudd?

GOV. BRIBESCAM: Yes, thank you. Elmer Fudd, why do you think that if you win the nomination, that you can beat Bugs Bunny in a general election?

ELMER FUDD: You know, thewe is something fundamentally wong with Looney Tunes when a wabbit–

BOB: I’m sorry, but what is a “wabbit” “

ELMER FUDD: You know, “wabbits!” With long eaws, fluffy, white tails, that hops!

BOB: Oh, rabbit!

ELMER FUDD: That’s what I said! Wabbit! This wabbit is a public nuisance, and is guilty of conduct unbecoming of a wabbit. I’ll twick the wabbit with my wabbit twap. And the, when I’m Pwesident of Looney Tunes, thewe’s thwee chawactews that awe gone on day one: Pepe Le Pew, Speedy Gonzales, and, uh, the, uh, othew one is–

DAFFY DUCK: There’s at least five. Sylvester the Cat is one.

ELMER FUDD: Yeah, Sylvestew–no. I’d have Sylvestew neutewed. Thewe’s Speedy, Pepe Le Pew, and , uh–

BOB: Elmer, are you saying you can’t remember the the other character you’d get rid of?

ELMER FUDD: Nope. Sowwy. Oops.

BOB: And the final question is from Madame Goo-Goo.

GOO-GOO: Thank you, Bob. I’ve heard Marvin the Martian say he would blow up the earth. We just heard Elmer Fudd say he’d erase two characters, and Henrey Hawk went on about how much he hates chickens. All of these candidates, with the exception of Daffy Duck, who I think is a bit screwy–

DAFFY DUCK: Please past the ketchup, I think it’s going to rain! Hoo-hoo! Hoo-hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo hoo!

GOO-GOO: Everyone seems to be out to get everyone else. Why can’t everybody just love everybody else?

YOSEMITE SAM: I’m not sensitive about nuthin’. I hate that rabbit. And if elected, I promise to rid this country of every last rabbit! I’ll blow him up, I’ll flatten him! And no one will vote for a flattened rabbit! Look, all of these other candidates talk softly and carry a big stick. Well, I talk LOUDLY and carry a BIGGER stick. And I ain’t afraid of usin’ it!

BOB: Candidates, I’m afraid that we have run out of time. We have come to the end of this debate. I would like to thank all of our panelists from the Panel of Morons for their questions. I also want to thank the candidates for taking the time out of their busy campaign schedule to spend this time with us on the Moron Quotient.

May you and all of our candidates be blessed with peace and all goodness!

Filed under: Politics, Bugs Bunny, Looney Tunes, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Republican Presidential Debates, Republican Primary 2012, Rick Perry, Rick Santorum, Ron Paul