Arranged Marriages: The Presidential Primary and the BCS

Given the choice between two evils, what do you do? Most people would choose the lesser of the two, even though by doing so, they still choose evil. Yet, alternatives are dismissed as being idealistic or naive. The result is that evil persists. Perhaps when presented with an alternative to the status quo, we may want to consider them. You never know–the alternative may actually make the world a better place.

TRANSCRIPT     

BOB BURNHAM, host: Welcome to the Moron Quotient, I am your host, Bob Burnham. Mitt Romney won the Iowa Caucuses by 8 votes. He won the New Hampshire Primary  by a more comfortable margin of over 40,000 votes. The Alabama Crimson tide routed the LSU Tigers 21-0 in the BCS National Championship Game.

But if you look closely at the results from Iowa and New Hampshire, you may see a different picture. In Iowa, while Mitt Romney received 30,015 votes, over 90,000 people voted against the eventual winner. New Hampshire shows a similar result: Romney won with over 90,000 votes, but more than 150,000 voters did not cast their vote for the former governor. With more votes against Mitt Romney than for him, will voters really get the best candidate?

Likewise, can we say that Alabama is really the best collegiate football team in the nation? After all, neither team had played in over 45 days. The BCS National Championship Game was, in the words of Frank Deford, “an exhibition game, because the teams have been appointed to show up, without earning the right to show up.”

In many ways, both the primary system and the BCS are like arranged marriages: fans and voters are betrothed to teams and candidates that they don’t like, let alone love. Voting reforms may make our democracy more representative. A playoff system in college football would reveal a true, undisputed champion. But is change really possible?

In a moment, we will be joined by our Panel of Morons. But first, I’d like to introduce the 2011 National Mascot Champion, Wolfie Jr., from the University of Nevada. Wolfie Jr., welcome to the Moron Quotient.

WOLFIE JR., college mascot: Hi Bob, it’s my pleasure to be here.

BOB: So, tell me, Wolfie, are the best interests of voters and fans being served by the current primary system and the BCS?

WOLFIE JR.: I think they are, Bob, I really do, for a couple of reasons. As a wolf, I recognize that there can only be one alpha in the pack, and the position of alpha is always being challenged. The systems–in both the BCS and the primary system–ensure that the true alpha remains unchallenged.

BOB: And who is the alpha?

WOLFIE JR.: Corporate interests of course, you know, in the form of sponsorships.

BOB: Now you said there were a couple of reasons that you like the current systems. What is the other reason?

WOLFIE JR.: Sure. These systems work. Are they perfect? Of course not. Do they have their flaws? Of course they do. Can they be tweaked to make them more entertaining? Sure. But do we need to replace them with something entirely different? No. I think that’s dangerous and revolutionary, and frankly, un-American.

BOB: I’d like to now introduce our two panelists from the Panel of Morons. Professor Stewie Gumbie and Madame Goo-Goo. Professor, Madame, good to see you again.

PROFESSOR STEWIE GUMBIE, BS, MS, PhD, FOS, NCCM: Hello Bob, Wolfie Jr., I’m glad to be here.

MADAME GOO-GOO, pop-star diva: Hello Bob, Professor, Wolfie Jr.! I am so happy to see you all!

BOB: So Professor, Madame, do you agree with Wolfie Jr.? Do these systems–the BCS and the primary system–work?

PROF. GUMBIE: Yes, I think Wolfie was right on the money. As I explain in my book, The Branding of Things to Come: 10 Effective Ways to Change Your Life Without Changing a Thing, any pathfinder project must maintain fidelity to the brand. That is, the sacred cow cannot stray too far from the barn. Just because we do not like the way we pick our presidential candidates or our national football champions is no reason to kill the puppy. No offense, Wolfie.

WOLFIE JR.: None taken.

PROF. GUMBIE: Politics–like sports–is a brand, and that brand requires investment in order to overcome strategic inertia.

BOB: I’m sorry, Professor, but I’m not following you.

PROF. GUMBIE: Strategic inertia is the force that you have to overcome in order to achieve brand recognition. In politics, unknown candidates have to establish their brand. The primary system is the best way for them to overcome strategic inertia. Now, in the case of the BCS, because it is an already-established brand, it has too much strategic inertia. Like it or hate it, we’re stuck with it. The real question, then, is how do we profit from it?

BOB: Madame Goo-Goo, I was wondering, do you see this as something we will have to live with?

GOO-GOO: Well, I’m afraid so, but it’s not so much a bad thing. After all, this is all about entertainment, isn’t it? Wolfie Jr. made that point earlier, I think. You know, I think if we get over all of this, realize that it’s all entertainment, and instead spend our time doing good, the world can be a much better place, you know?

BOB: So, would you say, it’s not whether you win or lose, but how much you love?

GOO-GOO: Yes! Isn’t that beautiful?

PROF. GUMBIE: That sounds nice, but it’s not very pragmatic.

WOLFIE JR: I agree. How am I going to whip up the Wolfpack by hugging the other team’s mascot? You know, I’m a wolf; my species does not do “love” very well.

PROF. GUMBIE: Neither do politicians. I think this “love” thing simply dilutes their brand.

BOB: I am afraid that we are out of time for today. I’d like to thank Madame Goo-Goo, Professor Gumbie, and Wolfie Jr. for sharing their time and their ideas with us.

PROF. GUMBIE: Thank you, Bob, it’s been my pleasure.

GOO-GOO: Me too, Bob! I’m always happy to be here!

WOLFIE JR.: Thanks, Bob. Go Wolfpack!

BOB: Join the Moron Quotient next week as we discuss the issues that prevent us from building a more peaceful and just world. The obstacle to justice is ignorance, so let us transform the world through honest and respectful dialogue that can lead us to new insights and mutual understanding. May you be blessed with peace and goddness!

Filed under: Politics, Sports, BCS, Fair Vote, Frank Deford, Iowa Caucuses, Mitt Romney, New Hampshire Primary, Republican Primary 2012, University of Nevada, Wolfie Jr.

The Republican Debate

This past weekend, the candidates for the Republican nomination had two more debates. Regardless of one’s political persuasion, these debates have provided the public with vital information to help them choose which candidate is best for this country. And despite their short-comings, the debates have allowed us to get to know each of the candidates.

TRANSCRIPT

BOB BURNHAM, host: I am Bob Burnham, and this is the Moron Quotient. The first votes of the 2012 election have been cast, and the Moron Quotient is honored to have been selected by the Republican National Committee to host this debate among its candidates.

First, let me explain the rules. The Panel of Morons will ask a candidate a question, and any follow-up questions, if necessary. As the moderator, if I believe another candidate deserves the right of rebuttal, I will direct a question to that candidate.

Let me now introduce our panelists for this debate. Ben D. Over is a radio talk show host for KRAP radio. Sandy Bribescam is the former governor of the only state to have been auctioned on eBay; Professor Stewie Gumbie is a past president of the National Council of Consulting Morons; Katie Quip is a stand-up comedian; and Madame Goo-Goo, whose new album, Vanity, is due out this month. Panelists, welcome, and thank you for participating in this debate.

[applause]

This debate is about who is the best candidate to challenge Bugs Bunny, the famously flippant, irreverant, and mischevious rabbit. I would now like to introduce our candidates. Please welcome Marvin the Martian, Yosemite Sam, Daffy Duck, Henrey Hawk, and Elmer Fudd!

[applause]

Professor Gumbie, you were randomly selected to ask the first question.

PROF. GUMBIE: Thank you, Bob. This election is about challenging Bugs Bunny as the iconic Looney Tunes character.  Marvin the Martian, if you were elected to replace Bugs Bunny, how would you enhance the Looney Tunes brand?

MARVIN the MARTIAN: Thank you Professor Gumbie, and thank you Bob, for hosting this important debate. You know, Looney Tunes is the greatest cartoon series in the history of animation, and I hate to see what Bigs Bunny has done to it. Martians are people, my friend, and it is important to get Martians back to work, doing what they do best, which is blowing up the earth. I spent 2,000 years in preparing the Uranium PU-36 Explosive Space Modulator, so I know what it takes to blow up the earth.

[applause]

BOB: Thank you Professor, thank you Marvin. Katie Quip, you have the next question.

KATIE: Thanks, Bob. Daffy Duck, a lot of your critics–including those sharing the stage with you right now–are awfully critical of your position on many issues. Can you explain why you came to hold these positions?

DAFFY DUCK: My name is Daffy Duck. I worked on a merry-go-round. The job was swell, it went quite well, until the merry-go-round broke down.  The guy who worked with me was a horse with a lavender eye. Around we’d twirl, we winked at girls, until the merry-go-round broke down. Around, around, around it we sped. The dizzy pace soon went to my head! So now you know why I’m daffy, and do the things I do. I am a screw (and you’d be too) if the merry-go-round broke down.

BOB: The next question goes to Ben D. Over.

BEN: Thanks. My question is for Henrey Hawk. The Bunny Administration has shown absolutely no regard for the founding principles of Looney Tunes, appointing birds–BIRDS–to important positions. How would you deal with this singular ornithological threat that has been empowered by Bugs Bunny? Would you send Foghorn Leghorn and the Road Runner to Guantanamo Bay?

HENREY HAWK: I’m a chicken hawk, and I hunt chickens! And, as you know chickens are great big monsters with sharp teeth and live in caves. They fight like demons. But I’m a chicken hawk, and I say, let’s take the fight to them! There is a chicken fascist conspiracy in this country, and that is the most insightful assessment to explain Bugs Bunny’s radical behavior! It’s people like me who are all that stands between freedom and a steady diet of carrots!

[applause]

BOB: Governor Bribescam, you have a question for Elmer Fudd?

GOV. BRIBESCAM: Yes, thank you. Elmer Fudd, why do you think that if you win the nomination, that you can beat Bugs Bunny in a general election?

ELMER FUDD: You know, thewe is something fundamentally wong with Looney Tunes when a wabbit–

BOB: I’m sorry, but what is a “wabbit” “

ELMER FUDD: You know, “wabbits!” With long eaws, fluffy, white tails, that hops!

BOB: Oh, rabbit!

ELMER FUDD: That’s what I said! Wabbit! This wabbit is a public nuisance, and is guilty of conduct unbecoming of a wabbit. I’ll twick the wabbit with my wabbit twap. And the, when I’m Pwesident of Looney Tunes, thewe’s thwee chawactews that awe gone on day one: Pepe Le Pew, Speedy Gonzales, and, uh, the, uh, othew one is–

DAFFY DUCK: There’s at least five. Sylvester the Cat is one.

ELMER FUDD: Yeah, Sylvestew–no. I’d have Sylvestew neutewed. Thewe’s Speedy, Pepe Le Pew, and , uh–

BOB: Elmer, are you saying you can’t remember the the other character you’d get rid of?

ELMER FUDD: Nope. Sowwy. Oops.

BOB: And the final question is from Madame Goo-Goo.

GOO-GOO: Thank you, Bob. I’ve heard Marvin the Martian say he would blow up the earth. We just heard Elmer Fudd say he’d erase two characters, and Henrey Hawk went on about how much he hates chickens. All of these candidates, with the exception of Daffy Duck, who I think is a bit screwy–

DAFFY DUCK: Please past the ketchup, I think it’s going to rain! Hoo-hoo! Hoo-hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo hoo!

GOO-GOO: Everyone seems to be out to get everyone else. Why can’t everybody just love everybody else?

YOSEMITE SAM: I’m not sensitive about nuthin’. I hate that rabbit. And if elected, I promise to rid this country of every last rabbit! I’ll blow him up, I’ll flatten him! And no one will vote for a flattened rabbit! Look, all of these other candidates talk softly and carry a big stick. Well, I talk LOUDLY and carry a BIGGER stick. And I ain’t afraid of usin’ it!

BOB: Candidates, I’m afraid that we have run out of time. We have come to the end of this debate. I would like to thank all of our panelists from the Panel of Morons for their questions. I also want to thank the candidates for taking the time out of their busy campaign schedule to spend this time with us on the Moron Quotient.

May you and all of our candidates be blessed with peace and all goodness!

Filed under: Politics, Bugs Bunny, Looney Tunes, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Republican Presidential Debates, Republican Primary 2012, Rick Perry, Rick Santorum, Ron Paul

It Can Be Done

The topic of illegal immigration is a major issue among Republican primary voters. While some candidates try to take a hard-line stance against illegal immigration (such as Herman Cain’s tongue in cheek suggestion of electrocuting them), some candidates try to take a more moderate and compassionate approach. In this episode of the Moron Quotient, the Panel of Morons discusses Michele Bachmann’s position on illegal immigration.

TRANSCRIPT

BOB BURNHAM, host: Welcome to the Moron Quotient, I am your host, Bob Burnham. The rhetoric surrounding the issue of immigration reform heated up when Rep. Michele Bachmann seemed to endorse the idea of forced deportation of all illegal immigrants.

When Fox host Bill O’Reilly skeptically proposed “dragging them out, putting them on a bus with their children crying,” Rep. Bachman enthusiastically replied, “It can be done. That’s the thing, it can be done.”

Joining me today to discuss the issue of illegal immigration and the effect it is having on the tone of the Republican Primary, are two distinguished panelists from the Panel of Morons, Madame Goo-Goo and Governor Samuel “Sandy” Bribescam. Madame, Governor, good to see you again.

MADAME GOO-GOO, pop-star diva: Hello Bob, I am so happy to be here! I am glad to see you again! This is such an important issue, and thank you so much for inviting me here to talk about it!

GOVERNOR SAMUEL “SANDY” BRIBESCAM, disgraced former Democratic governor: Hello Bob. Thanks for having me.

BOB: We are also joined by a spokesman for the immigration advocacy group Cartoons without Borders, Speedy Gonzalez.

SPEEDY GONZALEZ, immigration advocate: Hola, Senor Bob.

BOB: Mr. Gonzales, let me start with you. What is your reaction to the way Rep. Bachmann characterized the illegal immigration issue during her interview with Bill O’Reilly?

SPEEDY: The Senora, she is not too quick. She is loco in the cabeza. She just like el gringo pussygato, no? Coming up with all sorts of crazy plans, but he no catch Speedy Gonzalez, because Speedy Gonzalez is the fastest mouse in all of Mexico. Senora Bachmann comes up with loco ideas too, but she no be Presidente.

BOB:  Governor, how do you think with this will play with the voters?

GOV. BRIBESCAM: I think she is playing to the base of her party. In a recent poll, 33% of Republican voters favor this kind of aggressive treatment. Now whether it will help her win is another question. Look at the spectrum of opinions on this issue, and look at where the candidates are falling: Perry, Bachmann, Romney, and Santorum are all trying to carve out territory in this narrow part of the spectrum. 

BOB: And that same poll shows that most Republicans prefer a less aggressive posture. 43% would allow those illegal immigrants who have lived here for a long time and have not broken any laws to stay here legally. Even 19% of Republicans would allow all illegal immigrants to stay, with some conditions.

GOO-GOO:  That just shows how mean Michele Bachmann really is! She is nothing more than a bully. We need to move towards a society of love and acceptance, where humanity is embraced and individuality is encouraged, a place where bullies like Michele Bachmann are not welcome.

SPEEDY: Si. I don’t know why she don’t like me. I’m just a little mouse, and don’t take up much room.

BOB: Governor, you’ve been in numerous campaigns and won a number of elections, some of them legally. Is this just another example of Michele Bachmann’s lack of discipline? 

GOV. BRIBESCAM: What you have to remember, from a campaign’s perspective, is that while many voters cast their vote on a single issue, the electorate as a whole does not. Republicans have many issues that are important to them–killing the poor, saving Christmas from President Obama, and rabid intolerance to anything that hints of dissent, for example. The forced relocation of millions of people from their homes is simply one issue among many championed by today’s GOP.

SPEEDY: The campaign is too speedy for Senora Bachmann. She should go home. 

GOV. BRIBESCAM: I wouldn’t rule her out just yet, though. The problem with focusing on a single issue is that when the topic strays away from that issue, you risk showing the lack of depth in your positions. Just look at Herman Cain. But you also need to take multiple perspectives on particular issues as well, and that is something Rep. Bachmann has done exceptionally well. If you look at the entire O’Reilly clip, Rep. Bachmann addressed another part of the issue, as she frames it: anchor babies. So she shows the depth of her position–it’s not just about mass deportations, it’s also about anchor babies.

GOO-GOO: Just when I didn’t think you could make Michele Bachman look any more despicable. That term is just so dehumanizing. The implication is that the parents don’t view their child with love or affection. The implication is that the child is merely a tool used by immigrants to obtain legal status.

BOB: So you’re saying that it strips the child of human dignity, the parent of human dignity, and even the user of such a term of her human dignity?

GOO-GOO: We need to empower our youth, not villify them.

SPEEDY: I disagree with the Senorita. I like our politician friend Senora Bachmann. She is nice and stupid, no?

BOB: I admit that she does appear to say a lot of things without much forethought. I’m afraid that we are out of time. I’d like to thank our Panelists for discussing this very important issue with me today.

GOV. BRIBESCAM: It’s been a pleasure, Bob.

GOO-GOO: Bob, thanks for having me. It was so good to see you again!

BOB: And I’d like to give a special thanks to our guest for sharing his views with us. Thank you, Speedy Gonzales.

SPEEDY: Gracias, Senor Bob! Andale! Andale! Arriba! Arriba!

BOB: May you be blessed with peace and all goodness as you try to build a world of peace and justice that flows from the dignity inherent in every person! Peace and all good!

Filed under: Politics, Dead Kennedys, Deportations, Illegal Immigration, Michel Bachman, Speedy Gonzales

Smilin’ Herman

BOB BURNHAM, host: Welcome to the Moron Quotient. I’m your host, Bob Burnham. For two weeks, presidential hopeful Herman Cain has been battling allegations that he sexually harassed several women during his time with the National Restaurant Association in the late 1990′s.

Joining me today to discuss these allegations and the effect they may have on Herman Cain’s campaign to become the Republican nominee for President of the United States, are Governor Bribescam and Madame Goo-Goo.

SAMUEL “SANDY” BRIBESCAM, disgraced former Governor: Thank you Bob, I’m glad to be here.

MADAME GOO-GOO, pop star diva: Hello Bob! Thanks for having me back again. I am so happy to be here to talk about this issue that really affects not just women, but all of us. It’s time that we no longer let silence dominate the discussion about the crime of sexual harassment!

BOB: Also joining us today is our senior legal analyst, Harvey Birdman. Mr. Birdman, welcome to the Moron Quotient.

HARVEY BIRDMAN, attorney-at-law: Nice to be here, Bob.

BOB: Governor, let me start with you. Do these allegations of sexual harassment mark the beginning of the end for Herman Cain’s bid fore the presidency?

GOV. BRIBESCAM: I don’t think so, Bob. If we look at the latest CBS poll, we see that 61% of likely Republican voters say that these allegations will not change their vote. And Herman Cain still leads at 18%, with Romney and Gingrich at 15% each.

BOB: But there are signs that the allegations have hurt him. In the same poll, Herman Cain’s support among women has dropped from 25% to 18%. In fact 38% of women polled said they are less likely to support him as a result of these allegations. And to add insult to injury, the American Mustache Institute has withdrawn its endorsement of Mr. Cain.

GOV. BRIBESCAM: Well, who else would they have endorsed? Michelle Bachmann? Look, it’s still early in the campaign—we’re still two months from the first vote being cast. 70% of those polled say that it’s too early to decide who to endorse.

MADAME GOO-GOO: This isn’t about polls. These women who have accused Herman Cain are hurting. And instead of admitting what he did, he continues to victimize them by calling them troubled or pretending that he doesn’t remember. Silence is the greatest enemy of sexual harassment, and Herman Cain’s continued silence—by claiming he doesn’t remember or displacing blame on the victims—shows how far we still have to go as a society.

BOB: Governor, what about the claims that the Cain campaign has handled this badly? First, he claimed that he didn’t remember, then he said he vaguely remembers the allegations. Then he blamed it on the Perry campaign and later on the Democrats.

GOV. BRIBESCAM: Absolutely. The way he handled this is more damning than the allegations themselves. In politics, you have to come up with a story and stick with it. It doesn’t matter if it’s true or not, just stick with the story. It’s a concept I call conviction.

BOB: I’d like to get Mr. Birdman’s take on how the Cain campaign handled the news.

BIRDMAN: He should have kept his mouth shut. Claim laryngitis. Choke on a piece of pizza. Anything, just as long as he didn’t say anything. The less he says, the better his case.

GOO-GOO: This just reinforces the deadly silence that prevents women from seeking justice for the crimes committed against them! And we need to remember that sexual harassment is a crime, and these women are victims of a crime.

BOB: Mr. Birdman, would Herman Cain face any legal challenges from some of the new allegations that have come to light?

BIRDMAN: The thing to remember is that, while Mr. Cain’s campaign may have violated IRS campaign laws, and he may have screwed his employees out of tens of millions of dollars, the truth is that for every woman that has accused him of sexual harassment, there are probably dozens who haven’t!

GOO-GOO: What I wonder is, what are his views of women? When I consider these allegations, his “Princess Nancy” crack, and his Anita Hill joke, I see a man who does not take women or their issues seriously.

BIRDMAN: In his defense, he didn’t mean to insult Anita Hill. He was just making fun of her.

BRIBESCAM: Herman Cain’s campaign really needs a new spring of confidence, something to swell his pride. He has lost a lot of capital, and his greatest challenge now is how to earn the respect of potential donors.

GOO-GOO: You sound like an Enzyte commercial. And I think America can do better than having Smilin’ Herman as President.

BIRDMAN: Enzyte? Hmmm…that gives me an idea.

BOB: And we’ll have to leave Harvey Birdman with the final word. I’d like to thank our guests, Governor Bribescam and Madame Goo-Goo.

GOV. BRIBESCAM: It’s been my pleasure, Bob.

MADAME GOO-GOO: Oh, Bob, I’m so grateful that you let me have the opportunity to talk about this topic. You know, women’s rights and equality are important to society. We need to honor the women in society—our mothers and sisters and daughters—and we should choose a President who does too.

BOB: And I’d like to offer a special thanks to Harvey Birdman for taking the time to be on the Moron Quotient.

BIRDMAN: The once daily tablet for natural male enhancement…but does it work for birds?

BOB: Join us next week on the Moron Quotient, where we discuss the issues that affect us as we struggle to build a world based on peace, fraternity, and solidarity. May you be blessed with peace and all goodness!

Filed under: Politics, Enzyte, Herman Cain, Republican Primary 2012, Sexual Harassment