Less Than 70: “The Republican Universe”

by KAITIE QUIP

We live in a crazy and beautiful world; unfortunately, crazy and beautiful are not in an equal proportion. And for anyone who has been following the Republican primaries,  crazy seems to have had the upper hand.

I say this based on empirical observation and not because I disagree with just about every Republican idea that has ever been uttered, thought, or imagined. People disagree, which is part of what makes us human (and, as a comedian, provides me with job security; after all, if we all agreed, who would I be able to make fun of?). What strikes me as crazy, really crazy, is the depth of the looniness among the Republican presidential hopefuls.

First, there is a superficial kind of crazy. In another time or another place, if you observed a field of candidates including three minority candidates (a woman, an African American, and an anti-war candidate), you would be witnessing a Democratic primary. But not so in 2011-2012.

Second, there is a stupid kind of crazy, revealed by the candidates’ ignorance of some rather basic facts: The century in which the American Revolution occurred (the 18th century, not the 16th), which continent Libya is in (it is also a part of Africa), or that we have more natural gas than Saudi Arabia (which is true only if you include Newt Gingrich in your calculations). You would hope that the leader of the free world would have a basic grasp of these kinds of facts.

Finally, there is a kind of crazy that is just plain scary: Rep. Bachmann claimed that the HPV vaccine causes mental retardation (it does not). Speaker Gingrich thinks that judges should be arrested for making unpopular rulings (an independent judiciary seems to be as important to him as it did to General Pervez Musharraf). And, of course, there was Herman Cain….

But what explains this odd sort of behavior? There are several hypotheses.

Are the candidates idiots? Not likely. They are all well educated and have achieved levels of success that would be unachievable if someone was not very smart. They might not think before they speak or may be horribly misinformed (as in the case of Michelle Bachmann), or they might just not think at all (see Rick Perry). But that does not necessarily mean they are idiots.

Are the candidates sociopaths? While it may seem that way, there are other more reasonable explanations: Islamophobia (in the case of Rick Santorum), arrogance (see Newt Gingrich), eccentricity (Ron Paul and Herman Cain are exhibits A and B, respectively), and a craven subservience to corporate overlords (Mitt Romney) are all more plausible explanations for their anti-social agendas.

Another hypothesis–one which I am loathe to consider, but must in the interest of scientific integrity–is that they are not crazy. But I can quickly and easily dismiss this hypothesis with just one look into Michele Bachmann’s eyes.

“When you have eliminated the impossible,” said Sherlock Holmes, “whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.” As improbable as this may sound, having eliminated the impossible, I am left to conclude that Republicans are from another universe.

Physicists have been playing with the idea that our universe is just one of many possible universes. That is, we are just part of a much grander multiverse. The laws of physics in our universe or so delicately tuned to support life, some physicists say, that they cannot be mere accidents. If the laws of gravity were just a little stronger or weaker, if protons were a little heavier, or if Republicans were a little crazier, life as we know it could not exist.

The idea of a multiverse emerges from string theory, a theory which tries to smooth out the inconsistencies between the theory of general relativity (which describes really, really big things, like Newt Gingrich’s head) and quantum mechanics, which describes really, really small things (like Rick Perry’s brain). String theory allows for “membranes” to exist, and we live on one of those membranes.

The problem with string theory, however, is that it can never be proven right or wrong (there are so many solutions to the basic equations in string theory, that any solution could be correct). But experiments at the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) are underway to test this theory.

The idea behind these experiments is much like a Presidential Primary: particles are crashed into each other, and the remains are picked through to see what remains. By comparing the amount of energy before the collision with the amount of energy after the collision, and if the amount after is less, then that indicates that some of the energy had flown off the membrane.

This theory explains the current Republican Party: they are “particles” flung off from a parallel universe. In that universe, corporations are people, President Obama is a Kenyan anti-colonial socialist with a fake birth certificate, and people ride unicorns through forests of lollipops and gumdrops.

But why are the Republicans here? Were they the result of an experiment done in another universe to test their version of string theory? Are they the vanguard of an invasion force from another dimension? Or are they exiles from their native universe, having f**ked that one up too?

If you want to understand today’s Republicans, you don’t need to read the Constitution, the Federalist Papers, or the Bible. Rather, you should spend your time watching The Outer Limits or The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension.

Filed under: Less Than 70, Science & Technology, Buckaroo Banzai, Michele Bachmann, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Republican Primary 2012, Rick Perry, Ron Paul, String Theory, Unicorns and Lollipops

The 2011 Ig Nobel Prizes

BOB BURNHAM, host: Welcome to the Moron Quotient, I am your host, Bob Burnham. Ten new Ig Nobel Prize winners were announced at the 21st First Annual Ig Nobel Prize Ceremony. The Ig Nobel Prizes celebrate some of the most imaginative  solutions to some of the world’s most vexing problems.

This years winners include a research team from Europe who won the Physiology Prize for showing that there is no evidence of contagious yawning among the Red-Footed Tortoise. The Chemistry prize went to a Japanese team for inventing a wasabi alarm. And the Ig Nobel Peace Prize  went to the mayor of Vilnius, Lithuania, for solving the problem of illegally parked luxury cars  by running them over with a tank.

Joining me today to discuss some of this year’s prize winners are two genetically engineered lab mice, Pinky and the Brain. Pinky, Brain welcome to the the Moron Quotient.

PINKY, genetically enhanced mouse who is somewhat insane: Hello, Bob. I say, Brain, this is a much nicer place than the institution.

BRAIN, genetically enhanced mouse who is a genius: Quiet, Pinky! Are you pondering what I’m pondering?

PINKY: I think so, Brain. But me and a tortoise? What would the children look like?

BOB: And we are also joined by one of our resident Morons, Ben D. Over of WCRP Radio. Ben, welcome back to the program.

BEN D. OVER, syndicated radio talk-show host: Bob, can I just start by saying that these so-called awards just show how our tax dollars are used to fund and support pointless, silly research. The only people who benefit from this are egg-heads in lab coats who can then waste their time–and our money–on things like how urination affects decision making. This is nonsense!

BOB:  I believe you are referring to the Medicine Prize, which was awarded to Mirjam Turk, Debra Trampe, and Luk Warlop for showing that people with full bladders make less impulsive decisions.

BEN: Yeah, that one. This is junk science, which is nothing more than the left-wing trying to impose its shabby, discredited, sophistical values on free-thinking Americans. It is part of Al Gore’s plan to impose Darwinistic materialism in order to destroy capitalism!

BOB: Pinky, Brain, do you have any thoughts?

PINKY: Me? Well, yeah, if Jimmy cracked corn and no one cares, why he’d keep doin’ it?

BRAIN: I think Mr. Over is missing the point on what science is. Science seeks natural causes to explain natural phenomena, which can then be weaponized to help me overthrow the Earth!

BEN:  And here we see the problem! There is no moral authority to limit science. Scientific materialism is destroying our culture! Modern science results in the denial of objective moral values and the undermining of religious belief. Political ideology should inform our investigations to ensure that we promote sound science focused on economic development and Christian values. Without it we get madmen like Mr. Brain who will use science to attack life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness!

PINKY: But Brain’s not a man. He’s a mouse.

BOB: Ben, it seems that what you want is to assign value to a scientific idea based on some ideological authority, rather than testability.

BEN: What I am proposing is that science be informed by policies that promote economic development, Christian values, and Republican ideology! Sound science is based on silencing dissenting voices.

BRAIN: Ben, you have the I.Q. of plaster. The measure of a scientific idea’s worth is its testability, not ideological authority or philosophical coherence.

BOB: Don’t scientific investigations require some sort of freedom from ideology so that scientists and researchers can let their creativity and imagination fly? I mean, doesn’t genius flourish best in an environment freed from ideological purity tests?

BEN: I totally agree. That is why government should not be in the business of picking winners and losers! Look at what happened with Solyndra! Let the free market sort it out!

PINKY: But how can a market be free if it has limits placed on it by ideology?

BRAIN: Egad, Pinky! That peanut-sized brain actually created something that slightly resembled an idea.

PINKY: Aw, gee thanks, Brain, I do try.

BOB: It does seem to me, Ben, that you are contradicting yourself. You just said that scientific ideas should be free to compete in the “marketplace of ideas,” but on the other hand, you made it very clear that science needs to be judged by some “moral authority” that keeps it in line with Republican ideology.

BEN: You’re putting words in my mouth, taking me out of context, and listening too closely to what I say and not what I mean.

BOB:  Then what do you mean?

BEN: What I mean to say is that scientists use science as a weapon against belief by making it into a belief system. It takes more faith not to believe than it does to believe.

BOB: But science is not a belief system. It is a way of explaining the natural world through empirical evidence. Sure, there is drama in the self-correcting nature of science, but trying to understand our world is a beautiful struggle. We should celebrate this struggle, and that’s exactly what the Ig Nobel Prizes do. To deny it is to deny some of humanity’s greatest achievements.

BRAIN: Precisely. And you can never predict what practical applications some of the research might have. Pinky, are you pondering what I’m pondering?

PINKY: I think so, Brain. But wasabi does make my feet itch so.

BOB: And that’s all the time we have for today. As always, Ben, it’s been a pleasure.

BEN: Bob, I’m always happy to bring an intellectually honest perspective to these desperate discussions of yours.

BOB:  And I’d like to thank our special guests, Pinky and the Brain. Gentlemen, thanks for being on the Moron Quotient.

BRAIN: Come on Pinky, we have a lot of work to do tonight.

PIN KY: Gee, Brain. What are we going to do tonight?

BRAIN:  Same thing we do every night: Try and take over the world!

Filed under: Science & Technology, Ig Nobel Prizes, Pinky and the Brain, Science, Wasabi

Davros v. Hawking

In its first interstellar case, the Panel of Morons heard allegations from Davros, the Emperor Dalek, that the British astrophysicist Stephen Hawking is a moron.

At issue was Hawking’s speculation that some extraterrestrials may be “nomads, looking to conquer and colonize.”

“The claim by the Defendant that aliens would want to conquer and colonize is utterly preposterous,” argued Davros. ”All we want to do is EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!”

The Solicitor for the Defense, The Doctor stated, “Aliens arriving on Earth would be like Christopher Columbus arriving in the Americas. And if I recall correctly, which I am sure I do, that encounter did not end well for the Native Americans.”

The Panel ruled 4-1 in favor of the Defendant. “A visit to Earth would be, like, bad for the aliens too, you know?” wrote Ms. Leggs for the majority. “Didn’t anyone see E.T.?”

In his lone dissent, Mr. Over lambasted The Doctor for comparing the Emperor Dalek to Christopher Columbus:

It’s just like this Liberal Panel to trash the good name of an American hero and icon like Christopher Columbus. It’s not like Columbus was responsible for the mass genocide and the enslaving of an entire indigenous people as envisioned by the Defendant. This is just another example of the extreme agenda championed by liberal intelligentsia aimed at disassembling the Great American Civilization. That such a pre-eminent scientist such as Dr. Hawking would participate in this conspiracy is unconscionable and utterly moronic. America, it’s time we stand up and protect our heroes and the heritage they represent from Liberal egg-heads!

Stephen Hawking is thus cleared of the allegations brought forth by Davros. In an interesting development after the Panel’s ruling, Mr. Over tried on the Dalek casing and said, “This is a good fit for me. It’s a lot roomier than it looks and actually quite comfortable.”

Filed under: Science & Technology