Arranged Marriages: The Presidential Primary and the BCS

Given the choice between two evils, what do you do? Most people would choose the lesser of the two, even though by doing so, they still choose evil. Yet, alternatives are dismissed as being idealistic or naive. The result is that evil persists. Perhaps when presented with an alternative to the status quo, we may want to consider them. You never know–the alternative may actually make the world a better place.

TRANSCRIPT     

BOB BURNHAM, host: Welcome to the Moron Quotient, I am your host, Bob Burnham. Mitt Romney won the Iowa Caucuses by 8 votes. He won the New Hampshire Primary  by a more comfortable margin of over 40,000 votes. The Alabama Crimson tide routed the LSU Tigers 21-0 in the BCS National Championship Game.

But if you look closely at the results from Iowa and New Hampshire, you may see a different picture. In Iowa, while Mitt Romney received 30,015 votes, over 90,000 people voted against the eventual winner. New Hampshire shows a similar result: Romney won with over 90,000 votes, but more than 150,000 voters did not cast their vote for the former governor. With more votes against Mitt Romney than for him, will voters really get the best candidate?

Likewise, can we say that Alabama is really the best collegiate football team in the nation? After all, neither team had played in over 45 days. The BCS National Championship Game was, in the words of Frank Deford, “an exhibition game, because the teams have been appointed to show up, without earning the right to show up.”

In many ways, both the primary system and the BCS are like arranged marriages: fans and voters are betrothed to teams and candidates that they don’t like, let alone love. Voting reforms may make our democracy more representative. A playoff system in college football would reveal a true, undisputed champion. But is change really possible?

In a moment, we will be joined by our Panel of Morons. But first, I’d like to introduce the 2011 National Mascot Champion, Wolfie Jr., from the University of Nevada. Wolfie Jr., welcome to the Moron Quotient.

WOLFIE JR., college mascot: Hi Bob, it’s my pleasure to be here.

BOB: So, tell me, Wolfie, are the best interests of voters and fans being served by the current primary system and the BCS?

WOLFIE JR.: I think they are, Bob, I really do, for a couple of reasons. As a wolf, I recognize that there can only be one alpha in the pack, and the position of alpha is always being challenged. The systems–in both the BCS and the primary system–ensure that the true alpha remains unchallenged.

BOB: And who is the alpha?

WOLFIE JR.: Corporate interests of course, you know, in the form of sponsorships.

BOB: Now you said there were a couple of reasons that you like the current systems. What is the other reason?

WOLFIE JR.: Sure. These systems work. Are they perfect? Of course not. Do they have their flaws? Of course they do. Can they be tweaked to make them more entertaining? Sure. But do we need to replace them with something entirely different? No. I think that’s dangerous and revolutionary, and frankly, un-American.

BOB: I’d like to now introduce our two panelists from the Panel of Morons. Professor Stewie Gumbie and Madame Goo-Goo. Professor, Madame, good to see you again.

PROFESSOR STEWIE GUMBIE, BS, MS, PhD, FOS, NCCM: Hello Bob, Wolfie Jr., I’m glad to be here.

MADAME GOO-GOO, pop-star diva: Hello Bob, Professor, Wolfie Jr.! I am so happy to see you all!

BOB: So Professor, Madame, do you agree with Wolfie Jr.? Do these systems–the BCS and the primary system–work?

PROF. GUMBIE: Yes, I think Wolfie was right on the money. As I explain in my book, The Branding of Things to Come: 10 Effective Ways to Change Your Life Without Changing a Thing, any pathfinder project must maintain fidelity to the brand. That is, the sacred cow cannot stray too far from the barn. Just because we do not like the way we pick our presidential candidates or our national football champions is no reason to kill the puppy. No offense, Wolfie.

WOLFIE JR.: None taken.

PROF. GUMBIE: Politics–like sports–is a brand, and that brand requires investment in order to overcome strategic inertia.

BOB: I’m sorry, Professor, but I’m not following you.

PROF. GUMBIE: Strategic inertia is the force that you have to overcome in order to achieve brand recognition. In politics, unknown candidates have to establish their brand. The primary system is the best way for them to overcome strategic inertia. Now, in the case of the BCS, because it is an already-established brand, it has too much strategic inertia. Like it or hate it, we’re stuck with it. The real question, then, is how do we profit from it?

BOB: Madame Goo-Goo, I was wondering, do you see this as something we will have to live with?

GOO-GOO: Well, I’m afraid so, but it’s not so much a bad thing. After all, this is all about entertainment, isn’t it? Wolfie Jr. made that point earlier, I think. You know, I think if we get over all of this, realize that it’s all entertainment, and instead spend our time doing good, the world can be a much better place, you know?

BOB: So, would you say, it’s not whether you win or lose, but how much you love?

GOO-GOO: Yes! Isn’t that beautiful?

PROF. GUMBIE: That sounds nice, but it’s not very pragmatic.

WOLFIE JR: I agree. How am I going to whip up the Wolfpack by hugging the other team’s mascot? You know, I’m a wolf; my species does not do “love” very well.

PROF. GUMBIE: Neither do politicians. I think this “love” thing simply dilutes their brand.

BOB: I am afraid that we are out of time for today. I’d like to thank Madame Goo-Goo, Professor Gumbie, and Wolfie Jr. for sharing their time and their ideas with us.

PROF. GUMBIE: Thank you, Bob, it’s been my pleasure.

GOO-GOO: Me too, Bob! I’m always happy to be here!

WOLFIE JR.: Thanks, Bob. Go Wolfpack!

BOB: Join the Moron Quotient next week as we discuss the issues that prevent us from building a more peaceful and just world. The obstacle to justice is ignorance, so let us transform the world through honest and respectful dialogue that can lead us to new insights and mutual understanding. May you be blessed with peace and goddness!

Filed under: Politics, Sports, BCS, Fair Vote, Frank Deford, Iowa Caucuses, Mitt Romney, New Hampshire Primary, Republican Primary 2012, University of Nevada, Wolfie Jr.

America’s Good-Time Game?

BOB BURNHAM, host: Welcome to this week’s Moron Quotient. I’m your host, Bob Burnham. Controversy ensued at this year’s World Scrabble Championships when Chollapat Itthi-Aree of Thailand demanded that his opponent, Edward Martin of England , be strip-searched after the letter G went missing during their match.

Joining me to talk about the high-stakes sport of professional Scrabble, I am joined by Johnny Cornball, the sports editor of Crossword Illustrated magazine. Mr. Cornball has written extensively about the high-stakes world of professional word games. Mr. Cornball, thanks for being on the Moron Quotient.

JOHNNY CORNBALL, sports editor, Crossword Illustrated: Thanks Bob. I appreciate the opportunity to talk about a sport does not get the exposure it deserves.

BOB: And from the Panel of Morons, let me introduce Madame Goo-Goo, who has just returned from her Indulgence World Tour.

MADAME GOO-GOO, pop-star icon: Hello Bob! It’s so nice to see you!

BOB: The pleasure is all mine. And let me introduce the newest member of the Panel of Morons, the comedian Katie Quip. Katie, congratulations on being named to the Panel of Morons, and welcome to the Moron Quotient.

KATIE QUIP, comedian: Thanks, Bob. Let me just say that I’ve never been so proud to be called a moron. I guess my 6th grade teacher was right about me all along!

BOB: So let me start by asking the obvious question. Mr. Cornball, is Scrabble really a sport?

CORNBALL: Believe it or not, it is. It’s not just a game for family holidays. Professional scrabble is a world of cutthroat competition.

QUIP: Cutthroat–that’s worth at least 14 points.

BOB: Katie, it sounds like you are quite the Scrabble fan.

QUIP: I play it all the time! I once scored 70 points playing the word a**hole.

CORNBALL: You see, that’s the kind of attitude the belittles the amount of time and effort these people put into their sport. It’s their whole life. They spend 12 hours a day memorizing words in the weeks leading up to a major competition. They play daily, argue over strategy with their peers. They take their sport seriously.

GOO-GOO: I think that’s beautiful. It’s like their vocation, just like singing is my vocation. They learn to love themselves through their passion. I think they should celebrate that, and we should as well.

BOB: As the stakes in professional Scrabble get higher and higher, are incidents like the one between Chollapat Itthi-Aree and Edward Martin becoming more common?

CORNBALL: There is a lot of tension in these tournaments. When I covered the Golden Tile Classic in 1998, I swear that someone’s head was going to explode. I’ve seen fights break out—one man even kicked his rival in the stomach. It’s a brutal sport.

GOO-GOO: That kind of violence simply reflects the violence in society. Sport—like art—reflects society. Pop-culture celebrates violence, and pop-culture is our religion. Sports are getting more and more violent. And why is that? Because we don’t celebrate who we are. We worship victory, when we should be worshipping ourselves.

BOB: That raises a good question. Are professional Scrabble players as obsessed with winning as athletes in any other sport?

CORNBALL: Absolutely. And that explains Chollapat’s reaction at the missing G. There’s a lot of pressure on these athletes, and that leads to suspicion and anger. One competitor even got so angry that he ate the letter Q when he couldn’t play it.

QUIP: He should have gotten credit for playing the word quiche. That’s worth at least 20 points.

BOB: Do you think that the world of professional Scrabble will ever become mainstream?

CORNBALL: I think it would be great if it did. Look at the popularity of some so-called “fringe” sports: poker, dog shows, the WNBA. I definitely think there is a market, and it would be great to get exposure.

GOO-GOO: And that would validate them and celebrate who they are.

CORNBALL: Exactly. One competitor I interviewed as he was preparing for the 1996 National Championships told me, “I’ve never been good at anything in my life—school, sports—

QUIP: —Sex—

CORNBALL: —winning this thing would give meaning to my life.” The people who play professional Scrabble are just as dedicated to winning as any NFL coach.

QUIP: I’d love to see Jim Harbaugh and Jim Schwartz play a Scrabble match!

BOB: Katie, I believe you are referring to Jim Harbaugh, the coach of the NFL’s San Francisco 49′ers and Jim Schwartz the coach of the Detroit Lions, who exchanged words and almost got in a fight after their game last week.

QUIP: Yeah. Jim Schwartz was pissed that he lost his W.

BOB: And that’s all the time we have today. I’d like to thank Johnny Cornball for joining us on the Moron Quotient.

CORNBALL: Thanks. I enjoyed talking about the great sport of Scrabble today.

BOB: And to our Panelists: Madame Goo-Goo and Katie Quip. Thank you for being with us.

GOO-GOO: Thank you so much, Bob. And remember to love who you are, for you’ve all you got!

QUIP: Thanks. You’ve all been great. I love being a moron!

BOB: And thanks to everyone else who joined us for this week’s Moron Quotient. May your week be filled with peace and goodness as we build a more fraternal and peaceful world!

Filed under: Sports, Jim Harbaugh, Jim Schwartz, Scrabble, WNBA

Burnham v. Burnham

The Panel of Morons waded into dangerous waters today by ruling on a controversial case brought forward by a husband, Mr. R. C. Burnham, against his wife, Ms. C.R. Burnham. Since the Plaintiff in this case, Mr. R.C. Burnham,  is also the Moderator of the Panel of Morons, many Panel watchers considered this case a test of the Panel’s judicial independence.

In his complaint, Mr. Burnham accused his wife of  ”Moronic activity” when they went out to dinner. Mr. Burnham alleges that, while enjoying an appetizer of loaded chips at McNally’s Irish Pub in St. Charles, IL, Ms. Burnham shouted “Go Hawks” when someone walked by wearing a Chicago Blackhawks jersey.

“Such behavior is acceptable only under certain conditions,” Mr. Burnham argued. “For example, if we were at a Blackhawks game, or at a sports bar while a Blackhawks game was being televised, such behavior would be appropriate. But McNally’s is not a sports bar, nor is it the United Center. In fact, the game hadn’t even started. The Defendant’s outburst, therefore, was unwarranted and inexcusable, unless she was a Moron.” In her closing argument, Ms. Burnham defended her actions by simply saying that her husband “was being a complete dick wad.”

The Panel demonstrated its independence of its Moderator by ruling 5-0 that Mr. R.C. Burnham is a Moron.  ”It is the opinion of the entire Panel,” Madame Goo-Goo wrote, “that Mr. Burnham is a f–king Moron. Come on, what kind of husband would actually call his wife a Moron? A husband who, apparently, does not want to get laid anytime soon. Seriously, this guy is a Moron.”

Due to the fact that the statistical differential function is discontinuous on the interval defined by the Panel, Mr. Burnham’s Moron Quotient (MQ) is undefined, and therefore, beyond classification.

Filed under: Sports

Hawk v. Otto

In a complaint filed to the Panel of Morons, Tommy Hawk, the official mascot of the Chicago Blackhawks, alleged that Rob Otto, a sports blogger from Detroit, should be declared a Moron in his admonishment of  Blackhawks fans for cheering during the singing of the National Anthem.

In his complaint, Mr. Hawk noted that fans’ cheering during the National Anthem is a tradition dating back 25 years, when the “…mighty Hawks took on the Edmonton Oilers in a playoff game. The fans began cheering during the National Anthem to show their patriotic pride and enthusiasm against a foreign enemy.” Mr. Hawk concluded that “this cheering is indeed part of the National Anthem as it was celebrated at the old Chicago Stadium, and is now celebrated at the United Center.” In his defense, Mr. Otto said that “It makes my skin crawl every time I hear it…It is disrespectful to the song and what it represents.”

The Panel of Morons ruled 4-1 in favor of Mr. Hawk. In the opinion of the majority, Ms. Leggs wrote “Mr. Otto needs to lighten up. The fans are–you know, just like–so excited and pumped up in showing their team spirit! It’s–just like–when I do the splits–you know–I pump my fist in the air, and–like–yell ‘Go Mosquitoes!”

In his dissenting opinion, Mr. Over wrote, “Mr. Otto is a brave patriot, and unlike the rest of the Morons on this Panel, knows the difference between the poor manners of a bunch of toothless, beer-drinking hockey fans, and a sacred, national tradition. Mr. Otto is a great American who respects the Constitution and the rule of law. Again, the Panel got this one wrong. Mr. Hawk, in my opinion, and all Blackhawks fans, should have been declared Morons.”

Mr. Otto’s Moron Quotient (MQ) is 0.33, classifying him as a Quasi-Moron.

Filed under: Sports