Burnham v. Burnham

Posted: March 26, 2010 in Uncategorized

The Panel of Morons waded into dangerous waters today by ruling on a controversial case brought forward by a husband, Mr. R. C. Burnham, against his wife, Ms. C.R. Burnham. Since the Plaintiff in this case, Mr. R.C. Burnham,  is also the Moderator of the Panel of Morons, many Panel watchers considered this case a test of the Panel’s judicial independence.

In his complaint, Mr. Burnham accused his wife of  “Moronic activity” when they went out to dinner. Mr. Burnham alleges that, while enjoying an appetizer of loaded chips at McNally’s Irish Pub in St. Charles, IL, Ms. Burnham shouted “Go Hawks” when someone walked by wearing a Chicago Blackhawks jersey.

“Such behavior is acceptable only under certain conditions,” Mr. Burnham argued. “For example, if we were at a Blackhawks game, or at a sports bar while a Blackhawks game was being televised, such behavior would be appropriate. But McNally’s is not a sports bar, nor is it the United Center. In fact, the game hadn’t even started. The Defendant’s outburst, therefore, was unwarranted and inexcusable, unless she was a Moron.” In her closing argument, Ms. Burnham defended her actions by simply saying that her husband “was being a complete dick wad.”

The Panel demonstrated its independence of its Moderator by ruling 5-0 that Mr. R.C. Burnham is a Moron.  “It is the opinion of the entire Panel,” Madame Goo-Goo wrote, “that Mr. Burnham is a f–king Moron. Come on, what kind of husband would actually call his wife a Moron? A husband who, apparently, does not want to get laid anytime soon. Seriously, this guy is a Moron.”

Due to the fact that the statistical differential function is discontinuous on the interval defined by the Panel, Mr. Burnham’s Moron Quotient (MQ) is undefined, and therefore, beyond classification.

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