Coalition of American Clowns v. Corporate Accountability International

Posted: April 4, 2010 in Uncategorized

In a complaint filed before the Panel of Morons, the Coalition of American Clowns alleges that Corporate Accountability International’s (CAI) campaign for the retirement of Ronald McDonald is “clowning around with the public interest” and should be assigned a Moron Quotient of no less than 0.50. “It is unprecedented and inconceivable,” said the Solicitor for the Plaintiff, Mr. Chuckles,

“that the CAI would try to force a well-meaning public servant from a well-paying job and onto the public dole. We live in a nation founded on the principles of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. In fact, Mr. McDonald has been serving the public community for over 47 years by helping people pursue happiness in the form of tasty and affordable hamburgers. Can you think of a happier image than a clown with fire-engine red hair offering Happy Meals to youth around the world? Ronald McDonald is a positive role model for clowns everywhere. He is the clownish embodiment of our American ideals. For the CAI to suggest otherwise indicates that they are–in the very best of circumstances–morons; or–in the very worst of circumstance–nothing but communists.”

After a week-long deliberation that surprised expert Panel watchers with its level of whining, name-calling, and pouting, a sharply divided Panel decided 3-2 in favor of the Defendant, CAI. “It is the opinion of the majority of this Panel,” wrote former Governor Bribescam,

“that the Defendant is acting in public’s interest. Polling shows that 79% of the population is in favor of Mr. McDonald’s retirement. Throughout my career as a public servant, the public health and safety of our children has been my primary concern. I have fought hard for children, unlike my political enemies in the state capital who forced me out of office. It is the duty of the Panel not to be influenced by corporate money interests. When the lobbyists play, it is citizens who pay. While I might have been driven out of politics by my enemies who want to raise taxes on working families and helpless children, it is the duty of this Panel to carry on the fight for the interests of the people.”

“And besides,” added Ms. Leggs in a separate opinion, “clowns creep me out, ever since I saw the movie Killer Klowns from Outer Space.”

Voting in the majority were Governor Bribescam, Amber Leggs, and Madame Goo-Goo. Mr. Gumbie and Mr. Over dissented. Mr. Gumbie agreed with the Plaintiff that “Ronald McDonald is now, and has been, a positive mentor for clowns across the country. And as I explain in my book, Mentoring with Muscle, the key to unlocking your professional and personal potential is to find a good, strong mentor. If the CAI were allowed to force Mr. McDonald into involuntary retirement, the only mentors clowns would have are Herschel Krustofsky, the Insane Clown Posse, John Wayne Gacey, and Barney Frank.”

The Defendant is hereby cleared of any and all charges of being Morons, and therefore not assigned a Moron Quotient.

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