Satan v. McDonnell

Posted: April 10, 2010 in Uncategorized

This past week, the Panel of Morons considered a complaint filed by Satan against Bob McDonnell, the Republican Governor of the Commonwealth of Virginia. In his complaint, the Prince of Darkness asked the Panel to declare the Governor a Moron for recognizing April 2010 as Confederate History Month in the Commonwealth of Virginia.

“The essential issue,” argued Satan, “is that the initial resolution left out the anti-slavery language added by Gov. James Allen when he issued a similar decree in 1998. In doing so, Gov. McDonnell has tarnished the reputation of the GOP, which I have been using to lead millions of souls into eternal damnation. I need the GOP to be as inclusive as possible, and Gov. McDonnell is not helping. Seriously, this guy is messing up my plans!”

In her closing arguments, the Solicitor for the Defendant, Ms. Foxx stated that

The Governor has since apologized for the omission and has added language condemning the abominable institution of slavery. The Plaintiff would like the Panel to believe that the Governor is a Moron. But it should be obvious–even to the Morons on this Panel–that the Plaintiff is evil. Therefore, Gov. McDonnell should be acquitted of the charge of being a Moron.

The Panel ruled 4-1 that Gov. McDonnell is a Moron. “It is the opinion of the majority of this Panel,” wrote Mr. Gumbie, “that Gov. McDonnell is a Moron. You don’t need to be a brain scientist to know that the Confederacy lost the Civil War. And as I explain in my book, Winners Win, Losers Lose, to actualize one’s aspirations and leverage your greatest potential, you need to visualize yourself as a winner, not a loser.” Gov. Bribescam, Ms. Leggs, and Madame Goo-Goo joined Mr. Gumbie in the majority.

Mr. Over was the lone dissenter. In his opinion, Mr. Over wrote, “In bringing this complaint before the panel, Satan has violated the 11th Commandment of St. Reagan: Thou shalt not speak ill of your fellow Republicans.”

As a result of the Panel’s ruling, Governor McDonnell’s Moron Quotient (MQ) is 0.48, classifying him as a Quasi-Moron.

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