We Are the 99%

Posted: October 16, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

BOB BURNHAM, host: Welcome to this week’s Moron Quotient. What began as a response to a call by the group Adbusters on July 13, 2011 to restore democracy and end “corporatocracy” in the United States, the Occupy Wall Street movement has gathered steam. Today, similar protests can be found worldwide: in Chicago, Tokyo, and London.

Today, we will discuss the movement with two of members of the Panel of Morons. What are the aims and goals of the movement? Who are its leaders? What are its origins? And, what will be its effect on the political conversation in the United States and the rest of the world?

Joining me from the distinguished Panel of Morons is Governor Bribescam and Professor Gumbie. Gentlemen, as always, it’s a pleasure to be talking with you today.

PROFESSOR GUMBIE BS, MS, FOS, NCCM, ETC.: Thank you Bob, it’s my pleasure.

GOVERNOR BRIBESCAM: Bob, thank you for having me.

BOB: I would also like to introduce our guest, the leader of Occupy Sesame Street, Big Bird.

BIG BIRD, leader of Occupy Sesame Street: Thanks, I’m glad to be here. But if I may correct you, I am not the leader of Occupy Sesame Street. We do not have a single leader or spokesman. We are a movement of leaders. Grover, myself, Bert, Ernie, Elmo, and many others are all equal leaders in this movement.

BOB: Thank you for that clarification. So, Mr. Bird, why are you occupying Sesame Street?

BIRD: Well, frankly, we are tired of Cookie Monster hogging all the cookies. There is something fundamentally unfair about 1% of the monsters eating 99% of the cookies.

BRIBESCAM: So, if I may ask, what is your legislative agenda?

BIRD: Well, we don’t have a specific agenda or set of demands. We want to change the conversation. Instead of talking about cookies, why can’t we talk about other words that begin with C?

GUMBIE: See that is a fundamental problem with this movement. They answer questions with questions. That won’t fly with the American public because that will require them to think.

BRIBESCAM: Most voters don’t think when they go to the polls. Without an agenda or set of demands, how are the politicians supposed to know which lobbyist to listen to?

BIRD: We think it’s unfair that Cookie Monster gobbles up the cookies while Oscar is living out of a garbage can!

BOB: To be fair, Cookie Monster is a monster who eats cookies. I’m no fan of monsters, but what else would you expect him to eat?

GUMBIE: It’s about branding. Let’s face it, the American people like their messages in simple catchy slogans. You need a brand, a slogan that tells people what you want in no more than five syllables. Do you want more cookies? Or do you want less monsters? What you need is an ad campaign, a slogan.

BIRD: You just don’t get it. Muppets are not taking to the streets so that you can write an ad campaign. Mr. Snuffleupagus and I are not marching to to the tune of some marketing slogan; we are marching for cookie justice. Grover and Bert weren’t arrested for a brand; no, they were arrested because of their righteousness in the face of unjust laws. When the law becomes injustice, justice requires resistance, not marketing.

BOB: But, with all due respect, Mr. Bird, how do you answer these criticisms that your movement, whatever its merits of its cause, is hindered by the lack of a focused message? After all, messages are often hindered by the messengers who carry it.

BIRD: Our message is this: There are many other letters in the alphabet. A’s are good, B’s—I am partial to B’s—are especially good. Grover is fond of G. But, you see, Cookie Monster is obsessed with the letter C. He doesn’t care about anything else! Now there are lots of good C words. Cow is good. I like Canary. Canary starts with a C. I love words that begin with the letter C. What about numbers? But Cookie Monster doesn’t care about any other words that start with C, let alone any other letter, or even numbers! Should we ignore numbers as well? C is for cookie and that’s good enough for him. Well, I say—the 99% say—that is not good enough!

GUMBIE: Bingo! There you have it, 9 demands: 1) More letters—A, B, G. 2) Include numbers—1, 9, 99; and finally, 3) more healthier words that begin with C—carrots, cabbage, cassava. The 99% have 9 demands. “99 for 9!” That’s a great slogan—only five syllables—and it’s easy to remember. The marketing almost writes itself! Since it sounds like Herman Cain’s 9-9-9 plan, you can leverage his mantra as your own!

BRIBESCAM: The American Legislative Exchange Council can even ghostwrite the legislation for you.

BOB: Well, we are out of time. Big Bird, thank you so much for participating in this discussion with the Panel of Morons.

BIRD: Thank you, and remember: We are the 99%!

BOB: And I’d also like to thank Governor Bribescam and Professor Gumbie.

GUMBIE: Thank you, Bob.

BRIBESCAM: Bob, thank you very much.

BOB: And a special thanks to the audience and fans of the Moron Quotient. I hope that today’s Panel will inspire you to work towards a more just, a more peaceful, and a more fraternal society. Peace, and all good!


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