A Fairytale with an Unhappy Ending

Posted: November 6, 2011 in Uncategorized
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BOB BURNHAM, host: Welcome to the Moron Quotient. I am your host Bob Burnham. The entertainment world is abuzz with news about Kim Kardashian’s divorce from her husband of 72 days, NBA star Kris Humphries.

Kim’s fairytale wedding has ended in a tragic mockery of what many people feel is a sacred institution. Is Hollywood to blame? Joining me today on this week’s Moron Quotient is a legend of the animated screen, Slappy the Squirrel. Slappy, thanks for being on the Moron Quotient.

SLAPPY THE SQUIRREL, curmudgeonly cartoon squirrel: Aw, put a sock in it, will ya?

BOB: And from our distinguished Panel of Morons, let me welcome Katie Quip and Madame Goo-Goo.

KATIE QUIP, comedian: Hi Bob, hi Slappy, hi Madame! Thanks for having me back!

MADAME GOO-GOO, pop-star diva: Hello Bob! I am so happy to be back on the show. And Slappy, let me just say that I am so happy to met you. I grew up watching you on the Animaniacs, and you were such an inspiration to me, you helped me believe that I could—

SLAPPY: Say another word and I’ll throw dynamite down your pants!

BOB: So were any of you disappointed at the news that Kim’s fairytale wedding ended so quickly?

QUIP: I sure was. I thought they would have lasted longer than Pam Anderson and Kid Rock.

GOO-GOO: I was devastated, Bob. Just devastated. I really think she married Kris out of love. And their wedding was SO beautiful. It really was a fairytale for me and millions of others. To see all that love end so tragically, I … I, I’m sorry … I’m just devastated. Kim really became a part of my life.

SLAPPY: Oh, blow it out your acorn, will ya toots? Nothing in Hollywood is real.

GOO-GOO: How can you say that? She shares so much of herself on her show! She must be in so much pain! I don’t think she would do that just for a television show. She’s only guilty of being a beautiful, loving, and giving person who loves too much, who shares too much—

QUIP: You can say that again. Did you see her sex tape?

GOO-GOO: You know, she’s admitted that that was not one of her proudest moments, and she’s admitting that she is not proud of her divorce either. She admits that in hindisght, it wasn’t the smartest decision. But that’s why her fans love her. She’s so honest. She is one of us, you know, a human being. You know, we celebrities are people too. Kim married Kris out of love, like any of us. That’s why to see this love fail is so tragic! I could write an opera about it.

SLAPPY: Can it. You probably cried everytime the Coyote fell off a cliff. You sound like my nephew Skippy. He cried and cried when he saw Bumbie’s mom get shot in Bumbie, the Dearest Deer. I told him that she was played by my pal Veena Wallene, but he didn’t stop crying until I took him to New Mexico to meet Veena and had her do the ‘ol Bumbie bit for him. Kim and Kris will be fine.

BOB:I think we can assume that Kim and Kris were in love. But leaving that aside, does this divorce, after only 72 days, make a mockery of marriage?

QUIP: No. Britney Spears and Jason Alexander made a mockery of marriage.

BOB: Britney Spears and Jason Alexander were married in Las Vegas in January 2004, for a total of 55 hours.

QUIP: And don’t forget Denis Rodman and Carmen Electra. They were married for a total of 6 days.

SLAPPY: Yeah, but at least Rodman admitted he was drunk.

BOB: Maybe we should amend the Defense of Marriage Act to defend marriage from Hollywood.

QUIP: Or at least from Newt Gingrich!

SLAPPY: Now that’s comedy!

BOB: And we will have to leave it here. I would like to thank our guests, Madame Goo-Goo, Katie Quip, and especially, Slappy the Squirrel for being on the the Moron Quotient today. Madame, Katie, Slappy, thank you.

GOO-GOO: Thank you, Bob.

QUIP: Bob, it’s been a blast.

SLAPPY: Can I go home now?

BOB: And thank you, everyone, for listening in on our discussion today. May you continue to be blessed with all peace and—

SLAPPY: Enough with the yapping already!

BOB: That’s Slappy!


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