Smilin’ Herman

Posted: November 13, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

BOB BURNHAM, host: Welcome to the Moron Quotient. I’m your host, Bob Burnham. For two weeks, presidential hopeful Herman Cain has been battling allegations that he sexually harassed several women during his time with the National Restaurant Association in the late 1990’s.

Joining me today to discuss these allegations and the effect they may have on Herman Cain’s campaign to become the Republican nominee for President of the United States, are Governor Bribescam and Madame Goo-Goo.

SAMUEL “SANDY” BRIBESCAM, disgraced former Governor: Thank you Bob, I’m glad to be here.

MADAME GOO-GOO, pop star diva: Hello Bob! Thanks for having me back again. I am so happy to be here to talk about this issue that really affects not just women, but all of us. It’s time that we no longer let silence dominate the discussion about the crime of sexual harassment!

BOB: Also joining us today is our senior legal analyst, Harvey Birdman. Mr. Birdman, welcome to the Moron Quotient.

HARVEY BIRDMAN, attorney-at-law: Nice to be here, Bob.

BOB: Governor, let me start with you. Do these allegations of sexual harassment mark the beginning of the end for Herman Cain’s bid fore the presidency?

GOV. BRIBESCAM: I don’t think so, Bob. If we look at the latest CBS poll, we see that 61% of likely Republican voters say that these allegations will not change their vote. And Herman Cain still leads at 18%, with Romney and Gingrich at 15% each.

BOB: But there are signs that the allegations have hurt him. In the same poll, Herman Cain’s support among women has dropped from 25% to 18%. In fact 38% of women polled said they are less likely to support him as a result of these allegations. And to add insult to injury, the American Mustache Institute has withdrawn its endorsement of Mr. Cain.

GOV. BRIBESCAM: Well, who else would they have endorsed? Michelle Bachmann? Look, it’s still early in the campaign—we’re still two months from the first vote being cast. 70% of those polled say that it’s too early to decide who to endorse.

MADAME GOO-GOO: This isn’t about polls. These women who have accused Herman Cain are hurting. And instead of admitting what he did, he continues to victimize them by calling them troubled or pretending that he doesn’t remember. Silence is the greatest enemy of sexual harassment, and Herman Cain’s continued silence—by claiming he doesn’t remember or displacing blame on the victims—shows how far we still have to go as a society.

BOB: Governor, what about the claims that the Cain campaign has handled this badly? First, he claimed that he didn’t remember, then he said he vaguely remembers the allegations. Then he blamed it on the Perry campaign and later on the Democrats.

GOV. BRIBESCAM: Absolutely. The way he handled this is more damning than the allegations themselves. In politics, you have to come up with a story and stick with it. It doesn’t matter if it’s true or not, just stick with the story. It’s a concept I call conviction.

BOB: I’d like to get Mr. Birdman’s take on how the Cain campaign handled the news.

BIRDMAN: He should have kept his mouth shut. Claim laryngitis. Choke on a piece of pizza. Anything, just as long as he didn’t say anything. The less he says, the better his case.

GOO-GOO: This just reinforces the deadly silence that prevents women from seeking justice for the crimes committed against them! And we need to remember that sexual harassment is a crime, and these women are victims of a crime.

BOB: Mr. Birdman, would Herman Cain face any legal challenges from some of the new allegations that have come to light?

BIRDMAN: The thing to remember is that, while Mr. Cain’s campaign may have violated IRS campaign laws, and he may have screwed his employees out of tens of millions of dollars, the truth is that for every woman that has accused him of sexual harassment, there are probably dozens who haven’t!

GOO-GOO: What I wonder is, what are his views of women? When I consider these allegations, his “Princess Nancy” crack, and his Anita Hill joke, I see a man who does not take women or their issues seriously.

BIRDMAN: In his defense, he didn’t mean to insult Anita Hill. He was just making fun of her.

BRIBESCAM: Herman Cain’s campaign really needs a new spring of confidence, something to swell his pride. He has lost a lot of capital, and his greatest challenge now is how to earn the respect of potential donors.

GOO-GOO: You sound like an Enzyte commercial. And I think America can do better than having Smilin’ Herman as President.

BIRDMAN: Enzyte? Hmmm…that gives me an idea.

BOB: And we’ll have to leave Harvey Birdman with the final word. I’d like to thank our guests, Governor Bribescam and Madame Goo-Goo.

GOV. BRIBESCAM: It’s been my pleasure, Bob.

MADAME GOO-GOO: Oh, Bob, I’m so grateful that you let me have the opportunity to talk about this topic. You know, women’s rights and equality are important to society. We need to honor the women in society—our mothers and sisters and daughters—and we should choose a President who does too.

BOB: And I’d like to offer a special thanks to Harvey Birdman for taking the time to be on the Moron Quotient.

BIRDMAN: The once daily tablet for natural male enhancement…but does it work for birds?

BOB: Join us next week on the Moron Quotient, where we discuss the issues that affect us as we struggle to build a world based on peace, fraternity, and solidarity. May you be blessed with peace and all goodness!


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