BOB BURNHAM, host: Welcome to a special Thanksgiving edition of the Moron Quotient, I am your host, Bob Burnham. Noted blogger, author, and political activist Pamela Geller has called for a boycott of Butterball turkeys, accusing the company of selling “stealth halal” turkeys prepared in accordance with Muslim dietary laws.

Is this really a “strike against freedom” as Ms. Geller claims? Is Butterball complicit in a plot to impose Sharia law on the United States? Or is this just a good marketing strategy by Butterball? Joining us from the Panel of Morons is Ben D. Over of WCRP radio and Professor Stewie Gumbie. Ben, Professor, Happy Thanksgiving.

BEN D. OVER, syndicated radio talk-show host: Happy Thanksgiving Bob, Professor.

PROFESSOR STEWIE GUMBIE, BS, MS, FOS, NCCM, ETC: Thanks for having me back.

BOB: And I’d like to introduce our special guest, Foghorn Leghorn. Mr. Leghorn, thanks for being on the Moron Quotient. I hope you will be able to give us a bird’s-eye-view of this issue.

FOGHORN LEGORN: It’s nice–I say it’s nice–to be here!

BOB: Let me start by simply asking, “So what?” Does it really matter if Butterball is selling halal turkeys?

BEN: Of course it matters! Butterball is forcing all of us to conform to Islamic norms! It’s just another victory for Islamofascists who are trying to impose Sharia law on freedom-loving Americans! And Butterball is complicit in this treasonous activity!

BOB: Well, isn’t that overstating it a little bit? I mean, that sounds a little extremist to me.

BEN: Well, to quote Barry Goldwater, “Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice!”

FOGHORN: That boy–I say, that boy–has a mind like a steel trap…full of mice. From the birds’ perspective, Thanksgiving is a National Day of Mourning. Now, if you want somethin’ tender, get a nice tofurkey. Tofurkey under glass, now there’s good eatin’! Any of this gettin’ to you son?

BEN: You know, Foghorn brings up a good point! Where are all the PETA clowns protesting the cruelty of Islamic slaughter? Where are their giant billboards? Where are their celebrity mouthpieces?

FOGHORN: This boy’s got a mouth like a cannon…always shootin’ it off.

BOB: Professor Gumbie, how do you see this? Is Butterball part of some conspiracy to impose Sharia law on the United States?

PROF. GUMBIE: Of course not. As I explain in my book, Merry Marketing: Selling the Holiday Spirit, the holiday season is the best time to boost company profits. I am sure that preparing halal turkeys helps Butterball expand its market, thus boosting profits. What Butterball is doing is simply free-market capitalism in its purest form.

BEN: Exactly! Free markets and democracy are interchangeable, and that’s what makes this such an insidious threat! By using the free market to impose Sharia law, they are imposing the Islamic faith on all of us, and Islam is incompatible with democracy.

BOB: What I don’t understand, though, Ben, is this: how does eating a halal turkey make a non-Muslim, Muslim? It’s not like if I eat a kosher pickle that I suddenly become Jewish, does it?

BEN: The point is this: these jihadists are using the free market to undermine democracy and impose Sharia law!

FOGHORN: Stop all your arguin’ and jawin’, boy! Yap yap yap. All you do is keep that mouth flappin’, you ain’t doin’ any listenin’ son! If you don’t stop talkin’ so much, your tongue will get a sun burn!

PROF. GUMBIE: Ben, I think you’re missing an important point here. It’s a simple fact the American Muslims want to celebrate Thanksgiving. And Butterball is capitalizing on this. A big turkey dinner is part of the Thanksgiving brand–

FOGHORN: A big turkey dinner, you don’t say?

PROF. GUMBIE: Oh yes, with chestnut dressing too. And cranberry sauce, mashed potatoes, and peas.

FOGHORN: And candied yams? I say, what about candied yams?

PROF. GUMBIE: Of course!

FOGHORN: Well then count me in! You had me at candied yams!

BOB: But Foghorn, what about tofurkey?

FOGHORN: Tofurkey is like Pamela Geller’s brain: rubbery and dull. Sign me up–I say, sign me–for that roasted turkey dinner!

BEN: Just make sure it’s not halal turkey!

FOGHORN: Aaaaaahhhhh, shuuutupp!!

BOB: And that’s all the time we have today. I’d like to thank our Panelists, Ben D. Over and Professor Gumbie for joining us today.

BEN: Happy Thanksgiving. Remember what Thanksgiving represents: freedom and inclusiveness. Just don’t celebrate it with a halal turkey from Butterball.

PROF. GUMBIE: Bob, it’s been a pleasure as always.

BOB: And I’d like to give a very special thanks to Foghorn Leghorn.

FOGHORN: I say, y’all are as sharp as a bowlin’ ball.

BOB: And on behalf of the entire Panel of Morons, I’d like to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving, halal or otherwise! May your lives be full of peace and goodness as we continue to strive towards building a more fraternal and just society!


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