It Can Be Done

Posted: December 11, 2011 in Gibberish
Tags: , , , ,

The topic of illegal immigration is a major issue among Republican primary voters. While some candidates try to take a hard-line stance against illegal immigration (such as Herman Cain’s tongue in cheek suggestion of electrocuting them), some candidates try to take a more moderate and compassionate approach. In this episode of the Moron Quotient, the Panel of Morons discusses Michele Bachmann’s position on illegal immigration.


BOB BURNHAM, host: Welcome to the Moron Quotient, I am your host, Bob Burnham. The rhetoric surrounding the issue of immigration reform heated up when Rep. Michele Bachmann seemed to endorse the idea of forced deportation of all illegal immigrants.

When Fox host Bill O’Reilly skeptically proposed “dragging them out, putting them on a bus with their children crying,” Rep. Bachman enthusiastically replied, “It can be done. That’s the thing, it can be done.”

Joining me today to discuss the issue of illegal immigration and the effect it is having on the tone of the Republican Primary, are two distinguished panelists from the Panel of Morons, Madame Goo-Goo and Governor Samuel “Sandy” Bribescam. Madame, Governor, good to see you again.

MADAME GOO-GOO, pop-star diva: Hello Bob, I am so happy to be here! I am glad to see you again! This is such an important issue, and thank you so much for inviting me here to talk about it!

GOVERNOR SAMUEL “SANDY” BRIBESCAM, disgraced former Democratic governor: Hello Bob. Thanks for having me.

BOB: We are also joined by a spokesman for the immigration advocacy group Cartoons without Borders, Speedy Gonzalez.

SPEEDY GONZALEZ, immigration advocate: Hola, Senor Bob.

BOB: Mr. Gonzales, let me start with you. What is your reaction to the way Rep. Bachmann characterized the illegal immigration issue during her interview with Bill O’Reilly?

SPEEDY: The Senora, she is not too quick. She is loco in the cabeza. She just like el gringo pussygato, no? Coming up with all sorts of crazy plans, but he no catch Speedy Gonzalez, because Speedy Gonzalez is the fastest mouse in all of Mexico. Senora Bachmann comes up with loco ideas too, but she no be Presidente.

BOB:  Governor, how do you think with this will play with the voters?

GOV. BRIBESCAM: I think she is playing to the base of her party. In a recent poll, 33% of Republican voters favor this kind of aggressive treatment. Now whether it will help her win is another question. Look at the spectrum of opinions on this issue, and look at where the candidates are falling: Perry, Bachmann, Romney, and Santorum are all trying to carve out territory in this narrow part of the spectrum. 

BOB: And that same poll shows that most Republicans prefer a less aggressive posture. 43% would allow those illegal immigrants who have lived here for a long time and have not broken any laws to stay here legally. Even 19% of Republicans would allow all illegal immigrants to stay, with some conditions.

GOO-GOO:  That just shows how mean Michele Bachmann really is! She is nothing more than a bully. We need to move towards a society of love and acceptance, where humanity is embraced and individuality is encouraged, a place where bullies like Michele Bachmann are not welcome.

SPEEDY: Si. I don’t know why she don’t like me. I’m just a little mouse, and don’t take up much room.

BOB: Governor, you’ve been in numerous campaigns and won a number of elections, some of them legally. Is this just another example of Michele Bachmann’s lack of discipline? 

GOV. BRIBESCAM: What you have to remember, from a campaign’s perspective, is that while many voters cast their vote on a single issue, the electorate as a whole does not. Republicans have many issues that are important to them–killing the poor, saving Christmas from President Obama, and rabid intolerance to anything that hints of dissent, for example. The forced relocation of millions of people from their homes is simply one issue among many championed by today’s GOP.

SPEEDY: The campaign is too speedy for Senora Bachmann. She should go home. 

GOV. BRIBESCAM: I wouldn’t rule her out just yet, though. The problem with focusing on a single issue is that when the topic strays away from that issue, you risk showing the lack of depth in your positions. Just look at Herman Cain. But you also need to take multiple perspectives on particular issues as well, and that is something Rep. Bachmann has done exceptionally well. If you look at the entire O’Reilly clip, Rep. Bachmann addressed another part of the issue, as she frames it: anchor babies. So she shows the depth of her position–it’s not just about mass deportations, it’s also about anchor babies.

GOO-GOO: Just when I didn’t think you could make Michele Bachman look any more despicable. That term is just so dehumanizing. The implication is that the parents don’t view their child with love or affection. The implication is that the child is merely a tool used by immigrants to obtain legal status.

BOB: So you’re saying that it strips the child of human dignity, the parent of human dignity, and even the user of such a term of her human dignity?

GOO-GOO: We need to empower our youth, not villify them.

SPEEDY: I disagree with the Senorita. I like our politician friend Senora Bachmann. She is nice and stupid, no?

BOB: I admit that she does appear to say a lot of things without much forethought. I’m afraid that we are out of time. I’d like to thank our Panelists for discussing this very important issue with me today.

GOV. BRIBESCAM: It’s been a pleasure, Bob.

GOO-GOO: Bob, thanks for having me. It was so good to see you again!

BOB: And I’d like to give a special thanks to our guest for sharing his views with us. Thank you, Speedy Gonzales.

SPEEDY: Gracias, Senor Bob! Andale! Andale! Arriba! Arriba!

BOB: May you be blessed with peace and all goodness as you try to build a world of peace and justice that flows from the dignity inherent in every person! Peace and all good!


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