This past weekend, the candidates for the Republican nomination had two more debates. Regardless of one’s political persuasion, these debates have provided the public with vital information to help them choose which candidate is best for this country. And despite their short-comings, the debates have allowed us to get to know each of the candidates.


BOB BURNHAM, host: I am Bob Burnham, and this is the Moron Quotient. The first votes of the 2012 election have been cast, and the Moron Quotient is honored to have been selected by the Republican National Committee to host this debate among its candidates.

First, let me explain the rules. The Panel of Morons will ask a candidate a question, and any follow-up questions, if necessary. As the moderator, if I believe another candidate deserves the right of rebuttal, I will direct a question to that candidate.

Let me now introduce our panelists for this debate. Ben D. Over is a radio talk show host for KRAP radio. Sandy Bribescam is the former governor of the only state to have been auctioned on eBay; Professor Stewie Gumbie is a past president of the National Council of Consulting Morons; Katie Quip is a stand-up comedian; and Madame Goo-Goo, whose new album, Vanity, is due out this month. Panelists, welcome, and thank you for participating in this debate.


This debate is about who is the best candidate to challenge Bugs Bunny, the famously flippant, irreverant, and mischevious rabbit. I would now like to introduce our candidates. Please welcome Marvin the Martian, Yosemite Sam, Daffy Duck, Henrey Hawk, and Elmer Fudd!


Professor Gumbie, you were randomly selected to ask the first question.

PROF. GUMBIE: Thank you, Bob. This election is about challenging Bugs Bunny as the iconic Looney Tunes character.  Marvin the Martian, if you were elected to replace Bugs Bunny, how would you enhance the Looney Tunes brand?

MARVIN the MARTIAN: Thank you Professor Gumbie, and thank you Bob, for hosting this important debate. You know, Looney Tunes is the greatest cartoon series in the history of animation, and I hate to see what Bigs Bunny has done to it. Martians are people, my friend, and it is important to get Martians back to work, doing what they do best, which is blowing up the earth. I spent 2,000 years in preparing the Uranium PU-36 Explosive Space Modulator, so I know what it takes to blow up the earth.


BOB: Thank you Professor, thank you Marvin. Katie Quip, you have the next question.

KATIE: Thanks, Bob. Daffy Duck, a lot of your critics–including those sharing the stage with you right now–are awfully critical of your position on many issues. Can you explain why you came to hold these positions?

DAFFY DUCK: My name is Daffy Duck. I worked on a merry-go-round. The job was swell, it went quite well, until the merry-go-round broke down.  The guy who worked with me was a horse with a lavender eye. Around we’d twirl, we winked at girls, until the merry-go-round broke down. Around, around, around it we sped. The dizzy pace soon went to my head! So now you know why I’m daffy, and do the things I do. I am a screw (and you’d be too) if the merry-go-round broke down.

BOB: The next question goes to Ben D. Over.

BEN: Thanks. My question is for Henrey Hawk. The Bunny Administration has shown absolutely no regard for the founding principles of Looney Tunes, appointing birds–BIRDS–to important positions. How would you deal with this singular ornithological threat that has been empowered by Bugs Bunny? Would you send Foghorn Leghorn and the Road Runner to Guantanamo Bay?

HENREY HAWK: I’m a chicken hawk, and I hunt chickens! And, as you know chickens are great big monsters with sharp teeth and live in caves. They fight like demons. But I’m a chicken hawk, and I say, let’s take the fight to them! There is a chicken fascist conspiracy in this country, and that is the most insightful assessment to explain Bugs Bunny’s radical behavior! It’s people like me who are all that stands between freedom and a steady diet of carrots!


BOB: Governor Bribescam, you have a question for Elmer Fudd?

GOV. BRIBESCAM: Yes, thank you. Elmer Fudd, why do you think that if you win the nomination, that you can beat Bugs Bunny in a general election?

ELMER FUDD: You know, thewe is something fundamentally wong with Looney Tunes when a wabbit–

BOB: I’m sorry, but what is a “wabbit” ”

ELMER FUDD: You know, “wabbits!” With long eaws, fluffy, white tails, that hops!

BOB: Oh, rabbit!

ELMER FUDD: That’s what I said! Wabbit! This wabbit is a public nuisance, and is guilty of conduct unbecoming of a wabbit. I’ll twick the wabbit with my wabbit twap. And the, when I’m Pwesident of Looney Tunes, thewe’s thwee chawactews that awe gone on day one: Pepe Le Pew, Speedy Gonzales, and, uh, the, uh, othew one is–

DAFFY DUCK: There’s at least five. Sylvester the Cat is one.

ELMER FUDD: Yeah, Sylvestew–no. I’d have Sylvestew neutewed. Thewe’s Speedy, Pepe Le Pew, and , uh–

BOB: Elmer, are you saying you can’t remember the the other character you’d get rid of?

ELMER FUDD: Nope. Sowwy. Oops.

BOB: And the final question is from Madame Goo-Goo.

GOO-GOO: Thank you, Bob. I’ve heard Marvin the Martian say he would blow up the earth. We just heard Elmer Fudd say he’d erase two characters, and Henrey Hawk went on about how much he hates chickens. All of these candidates, with the exception of Daffy Duck, who I think is a bit screwy–

DAFFY DUCK: Please past the ketchup, I think it’s going to rain! Hoo-hoo! Hoo-hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo hoo!

GOO-GOO: Everyone seems to be out to get everyone else. Why can’t everybody just love everybody else?

YOSEMITE SAM: I’m not sensitive about nuthin’. I hate that rabbit. And if elected, I promise to rid this country of every last rabbit! I’ll blow him up, I’ll flatten him! And no one will vote for a flattened rabbit! Look, all of these other candidates talk softly and carry a big stick. Well, I talk LOUDLY and carry a BIGGER stick. And I ain’t afraid of usin’ it!

BOB: Candidates, I’m afraid that we have run out of time. We have come to the end of this debate. I would like to thank all of our panelists from the Panel of Morons for their questions. I also want to thank the candidates for taking the time out of their busy campaign schedule to spend this time with us on the Moron Quotient.

May you and all of our candidates be blessed with peace and all goodness!


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