The Continuing Assault of Secularism

Posted: December 31, 2012 in Satire, Sports
Tags: , , , , , , ,

The forces of secularism never rest. Across this great nation the Secularists, in all their guile and subtlety, have continued their relentless assault against wholesome religion.

To be sure, people of goodwill have had some minor victories in defending the faith: we have resisted modest increases in tax rates for the wealthiest 2% of Americans; we have vigorously defended the right to protect yourself from vague threats and undefined fears with an arsenal rivaling that of an Afghan warlord; and we have thrown suspicious brown people who look vaguely Muslim in front of moving trains.

But the forces of secularism march on. The beaming joy of a plastic Santa Claus invades the manger where the little Lord Jesus rests his head. Reindeer totems–with their soft, innocent white light–occupy territory reserved for the Holy Family. The enemies of religion even flood the airwaves with their secularist propaganda: holiday movies such as the King of Kings have been displaced by the immorality of shows like A Charlie Brown Christmas.

The Secularists have arrogantly launched their newest and boldest offensive along a new front: the sacred field of college football. The Spartans of Michigan State beat Texas Christian University 17-16 in the Buffalo Wild Wings Bowl. Is there any doubt as to who the Secularists rooted for? A look at some of the winners clearly indicates that the Secularists have gained the upper hand in their newest offensive: the Utah State Aggies (farmers in a Marxist collective), the Texas Tech Red Raiders (a demon by any other name is still a demon), and Brigham Young (Mormons) won their games, while the defenders of Christian liberty–the Falcons of the U.S. Air Force Academy and the Midshipmen of the U.S. Naval Academy–suffered humiliating defeats.

We must sound the call to arms! We must rush to stop this new assault on religion by those who would seek nothing but the tyrannical rule of reason! We have retreated along too many fronts already in this war. We must make our stand at the goal line of Pasadena!

Let us launch our own counteroffensive. I call on all people of goodwill to demand that all team mascots reflect the virtues of our faith! Let us cheer the Michigan State Martyrs! Let us root for the Utah State Apostles! Let us support the Texas Tech Tim Tebows!

Our civilization faces many threats: an emerging police state, the prison-industrial complex, and massacres at elementary schools. These threats can be best countered by cosmetic appeals to faith, such as faith-based and family-friendly names for our favorite sports teams!

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