Hollywood’s Communists

Disney’s movie, The Muppets, has raised concerns among some conservatives as having a  communist message. Conservatives have long claimed that the entertainment world has a liberal bias. Criticism of The Muppets probably reflects the suspicion conservatives have of Hollywood’s perceived liberal bias than any hidden message in the movie (communist or otherwise).   

TRANSCRIPT

BOB BURNHAM, host: This is the Moron Quotient, and I am your host, Bob Burnham.

Disney’s new movie, The Muppets, has resurrected one of the most recognized brands in Hollywood. But the movie’s success has also brought with it some unexpected criticism. Eric Bolling, host of the Fox’s Follow the Money accused Kermit the Frog, Miss Piggy, Fozzie Bear, and all the other lovable Muppets, of spreading Communist propaganda.

Hollywood has long been the target of conservative ire–Joe McCarthy focused much of his activities on Hollywood’s “un-American” activities. But is Hollywood a bastion of liberalism intent on brainwashing America’s youth, as its critics claim? Or is “Hollywood’s radical agenda” just a big lie pushed by conservative ideologues?

Joining me today to discuss this issue are two of our regular panelists, Katie Quip and Professor Stewie Gumbie. Katie, Professor, nice to see you again.

KATIE QUIP, comedian: Hi Bob. I just have to throw this out to Fozzie Bear, “Wocka Wocka Wocka.”

PROFESSOR STUART “STEWIE” GUMBIE, BS, MS, PhD, FOS, NCCM: Hello Bob. I’m glad to be here.

BOB: I also want to introduce our special guest, President of Puppets for American Values and Exceptionalism,  his Royal Highness, Ruler of the Neighborhood of Make-Believe, King Friday XIII.

KING FRIDAY XIII, ruler of Make-Believe: Mr. Burnham, you may address me as “Your Royal Highness.”

BOB: OK…Your Royal Highness, your organization claims that Hollywood is, and I quote, “a monstrous cancer that is eating America’s soul.” Can you explain?

KING FRIDAY: Hollywood is a media monopoly run by liberals, for liberals, to promote filthy liberal ideology that eats at our moral fiber, the essence of this great Republic. The Constitution guarantees a free press. But with Hollywood under a liberal monopoly, our children are exposed only to the ideals of the radical left. There is no freedom, only tyranny under the slavish yoke of leftist propaganda.

QUIP: Am I the only person here that finds it ironic that we have an unelected monarch espousing the virtues of freedom and denouncing tyranny?

PROF. GUMBIE: If I may interject with a different perspective. As I explain in my book, Mirror, Mirror on the Wall: Branding Your Opponent, marketing is a push-pull effort. You have what I call a “pull” campaign: You need to define your brand to attract consumers to your product. But there is also a “push” campaign: defining the opponent’s brand in such away that makes it less attractive. This effort works synergistically with your “pull” campaign.

BOB: So, Professor, are you suggesting that conservative criticism of Hollywood is just some kind of marketing strategy, that it is without substance?

PROF. GUMBIE: You see, Bob, you just made a very common mistake, which is assuming that there should be substance in a marketing campaign, which is simply about altering perception. Substance is irrelevant.

KING FRIDAY: Balderdash! By producing unwholesome movies and programs, the liberals in Hollywood are trying to brainwash our kids under the guise of “entertainment” or “education.” The audacity! What impudence! It is treasonous to the laws of decency and dignity! Why do our children have to be exposed to this?

BOB: But isn’t Hollywood rather a broad target?

KING FRIDAY: It is a broad target because of the insidious and diabolic nature of the evil we are confronting.

BOB:  Are there any good movies that come out of Hollywood?

KING FRIDAY: Miracle on 34th Street, National Velvet, The Princess Bride, and any movie by Chuck Norris. These are all good wholesome, family friendly entertainment, unlike the filth produced by Disney.

QUIP: Seriously? You have a problem with Bambi?

KING FRIDAY: Absolutely! Bambi is nothing more than leftist PETA propaganda that promotes an eco-radical agenda.

QUIP: What about Snow White?

KING FRIDAY: Snow White extols the the supposed “virtues” of a worker’s cooperative against the ”evils” of capitalism, as represented by the evil witch and her “poison” apple!

QUIP: What about It’s a Wonderful Life?

KING FRIDAY: George Bailey, a bourgeois intellectual, mobilizes the people against financial capital. That, my child, is a Marxist-Leninist message.

QUIP: Ok, you have to approve of the Ten Commandments. Charlton Heston is like Jesus to you guys.

KING FRIDAY: That movie promotes class warfare. Moses leads an army of workers against the upper class of society.

QUIP: Your Royal Highness, your royal head is full of royal crap.

BOB: From this discussion, it appears that we impose our own messages on whatever we see. If anyone sees a communist message in The Muppets, it’s because they want to see one.

PROF. GUMBIE: Precisely. Those who express outrage against a perceived communist message are simply executing the “push” aspect of a marketing strategy.

QUIP: They also probably sleep with the light on, to keep the monsters from coming out from under the bed!

BOB: Perhaps we should just relax, and enjoy movies like The Muppets for what they are and not try to make everything so political.

KING FRIDAY: Enjoyment? I have no time for enjoyment. I have a Kingdom to run!

QUIP: A make-believe kingdom. Hey King, don’t look now, but there is a communist behind you!

KING FRIDAY: We do not appreciate your vulgar humor, child.

QUIP: If you think that’s vulgar, then what’s that up your–

BOB: And that is all the time we have for today’s show. I’d like to thank our two panelists, Professor Gumbie and Katie Quip.

PROF. GUMBIE: Thank you Bob, it has been my pleasure.

QUIP: Yes, Bob, it’s been fun.

BOB: And a special thanks to our guest, King Friday XIII. Your Royal Highness, thank you for joining us on the Moron Quotient.

KING FRIDAY: I have graced your presence, I am sure.

BOB: Until the Moron Quotient, may you be blessed with peace and all good as we all work to build a world that is based on peace and justice for all!

Filed under: Entertainment, Charlton Heston, Chuck Norris, Communism, It's a Wonderful Life, Karl Marx, King Friday XIII, The Muppets

Immaculate Pamela?

BOB BURNHAM, host: Welcome to the Moron Quotient, I am your host, Bob Burnham. Pamela Anderson will play the Blessed Virgin Mary in “A Russell Peters Christmas.” Russel Peters describes his television special as “an irreverent twist on the Christmas special making it unlike anything viewers have send before.”

I’m sure it will be. But will it be too irreverent? And does such irreverence contribute to growing religious intolerance? Or do people just need to lighten up and learn to appreciate a joke? Joining me today in this discussion are Professor Stewie Gumbie and comedian Katie Quip. Professor, Katie, welcome back to the Moron Quotient.

PROFESSOR STEWIE GUMBIE, BS, MS, FOS, NCCM, ETC: Hello Bob. I am pleased to be here.

KATIE QUIP, stand-up comedian: Bob. I just have to say, Pamela Anderson? Seriously? What part of the word virgin does Russell Peters not understand?

BOB: Yes, well that is an interesting casting call. And we joyfully receive our next guest. Even though we are not worthy to receive him, I would like to welcome with a humble and contrite heart, the Savior of the World, Jesus Christ.

JESUS the CHRIST: Peace be with you.

BOB: And also with you. Katie, as a professional comedian, is it appropriate for Pamela Anderson to be playing the Blessed Virgin Mary?

QUIP: I don’t know if it’s appropriate, but it is as funny as hell!

BOB: Professor Gumbie, is this kind of irreverence appropriate?

GUMBIE: I have to agree with Katie here. As I explain in my book, Economedy: The Economy of Comedy, the concept of appropriateness simply serves to define the market for one’s product, the product in this sense being the comedian’s jokes. Appropriateness does not add value.

BOB: If appropriateness is not the right word, is wrong a better word? Is it wrong for Pamela Anderson to play this role, given the special place Our Lady has in the faith and devotional practices of the Catholic Church? Jesus, I’d like to know your thoughts.

JESUS: I tell you her sins, which are many, are forgiven, for she loved much; but he who is forgiven little, loves little.

QUIP: And Pamela Anderson has loved a lot! That’s what makes it so funny!

BOB: But do you need to draw a line between funny and offensive? Can such a line be drawn?

QUIP: Not without putting me out of business.

GUMBIE: The problem is, Bob, thinking in terms of morality is not really useful. Rather, it is more useful to think in terms of economics. “Will Catholics be offended?” is not the right question. The right question is, “How far Catholics will go to defend their brand?” Worship of Mary–

BOB: As a point of clarification, Catholics don’t worship Mary, they venerate her, and honor her, but reserve worship to God alone.

GUMBIE: As I was saying, Mary is part of the Catholic brand image. Having Pamela Anderson play Mary dilutes their brand. In the marketplace, the product with the best branding usually wins. The Catholic Church will—and should—do whatever it can to protect its brand image.

QUIP: In that case, the Catholic Church should consider having Pamela Anderson as a spokesperson. After all, it is a “Church of Sinners.” The marketing writes itself.

BOB: Jesus, what do you have to say about Professor Gumbie’s characterization. Is this simply just a matter of branding and advertisement?

GUMBIE: Everything is about advertising.

JESUS: It is written, ‘My house shall be a house of prayer, but you have made it a den of thieves.’

BOB: I think we can all agree that someone will be offended. Would anybody here be surprised if someone declared that “A Russell Peters Christmas” is blasphemous and use this as another example of growing secularism? How do you expect the public will respond?

GUMBIE: Based on predictive models of economic behavior, I doubt there will be any measurable movement from one idea to another. Branding is about movement, by which I mean, moving people from one product to another. Will those defending the Catholic brand move people from the “Pamela Anderson” brand by charges of blasphemy? Probably not. And will consumers of the Catholic brand be moved to the “Pamela Anderson” brand? Again, probably not.

QUIP: Exactly. One person’s punchline is another person’s blasphemy.

JESUS: Amen, I say to you, all sins and blasphemies that people utter will be forgiven them. But whoever blasphemes against the holy Spirit will never have forgiveness, but is guilty of an everlasting sin.

QUIP: You know, the thing to keep in mind, Bob, is that this is a joke, something meant to bring laughter and joy into a world that sorely needs it.

JESUS: Amen, amen, I say to you, you will weep and mourn, while the world rejoices; you will grieve, but your grief will become joy.

QUIP: Besides, it could have been much worse. They could have cast Snooki to play the part of the Virgin Mary. Can you imagine it? “Hail Snooki, full of—“

BOB: And that is all the time we have today. Professor Gumbie, Katie Quip it’s been an enlightening as well as entertaining discussion. Thank you.

GUMBIE: Bob, it’s been my pleasure.

QUIP: No prob, Bob!

BOB: And, I would like to thank Jesus for gracing the Moron Quotient with his love, beauty and truth.

JESUS: Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you.

BOB: Join us next time on the Moron Quotient, where we discuss the issues and challenges that face the world, as we try to create a more fraternal society based on peace, justice and love. May you be blessed with peace and all goodness!

Filed under: Entertainment, Blessed Vigin Mary, Catholic Church, Catholicism, Jesus, Pamela Anderson, Russel Peters, Secularism, Snooki

A Fairytale with an Unhappy Ending

BOB BURNHAM, host: Welcome to the Moron Quotient. I am your host Bob Burnham. The entertainment world is abuzz with news about Kim Kardashian’s divorce from her husband of 72 days, NBA star Kris Humphries.

Kim’s fairytale wedding has ended in a tragic mockery of what many people feel is a sacred institution. Is Hollywood to blame? Joining me today on this week’s Moron Quotient is a legend of the animated screen, Slappy the Squirrel. Slappy, thanks for being on the Moron Quotient.

SLAPPY THE SQUIRREL, curmudgeonly cartoon squirrel: Aw, put a sock in it, will ya?

BOB: And from our distinguished Panel of Morons, let me welcome Katie Quip and Madame Goo-Goo.

KATIE QUIP, comedian: Hi Bob, hi Slappy, hi Madame! Thanks for having me back!

MADAME GOO-GOO, pop-star diva: Hello Bob! I am so happy to be back on the show. And Slappy, let me just say that I am so happy to met you. I grew up watching you on the Animaniacs, and you were such an inspiration to me, you helped me believe that I could—

SLAPPY: Say another word and I’ll throw dynamite down your pants!

BOB: So were any of you disappointed at the news that Kim’s fairytale wedding ended so quickly?

QUIP: I sure was. I thought they would have lasted longer than Pam Anderson and Kid Rock.

GOO-GOO: I was devastated, Bob. Just devastated. I really think she married Kris out of love. And their wedding was SO beautiful. It really was a fairytale for me and millions of others. To see all that love end so tragically, I … I, I’m sorry … I’m just devastated. Kim really became a part of my life.

SLAPPY: Oh, blow it out your acorn, will ya toots? Nothing in Hollywood is real.

GOO-GOO: How can you say that? She shares so much of herself on her show! She must be in so much pain! I don’t think she would do that just for a television show. She’s only guilty of being a beautiful, loving, and giving person who loves too much, who shares too much—

QUIP: You can say that again. Did you see her sex tape?

GOO-GOO: You know, she’s admitted that that was not one of her proudest moments, and she’s admitting that she is not proud of her divorce either. She admits that in hindisght, it wasn’t the smartest decision. But that’s why her fans love her. She’s so honest. She is one of us, you know, a human being. You know, we celebrities are people too. Kim married Kris out of love, like any of us. That’s why to see this love fail is so tragic! I could write an opera about it.

SLAPPY: Can it. You probably cried everytime the Coyote fell off a cliff. You sound like my nephew Skippy. He cried and cried when he saw Bumbie’s mom get shot in Bumbie, the Dearest Deer. I told him that she was played by my pal Veena Wallene, but he didn’t stop crying until I took him to New Mexico to meet Veena and had her do the ‘ol Bumbie bit for him. Kim and Kris will be fine.

BOB:I think we can assume that Kim and Kris were in love. But leaving that aside, does this divorce, after only 72 days, make a mockery of marriage?

QUIP: No. Britney Spears and Jason Alexander made a mockery of marriage.

BOB: Britney Spears and Jason Alexander were married in Las Vegas in January 2004, for a total of 55 hours.

QUIP: And don’t forget Denis Rodman and Carmen Electra. They were married for a total of 6 days.

SLAPPY: Yeah, but at least Rodman admitted he was drunk.

BOB: Maybe we should amend the Defense of Marriage Act to defend marriage from Hollywood.

QUIP: Or at least from Newt Gingrich!

SLAPPY: Now that’s comedy!

BOB: And we will have to leave it here. I would like to thank our guests, Madame Goo-Goo, Katie Quip, and especially, Slappy the Squirrel for being on the the Moron Quotient today. Madame, Katie, Slappy, thank you.

GOO-GOO: Thank you, Bob.

QUIP: Bob, it’s been a blast.

SLAPPY: Can I go home now?

BOB: And thank you, everyone, for listening in on our discussion today. May you continue to be blessed with all peace and—

SLAPPY: Enough with the yapping already!

BOB: That’s Slappy!

Filed under: Entertainment, Defense of Marriage Act, Kim Kardashian, Kim Kardashian's Divorce, Marriage, Slappy the Squirrel

Culture Campaign v. GaGa

The Panel of Morons heard arguments from the Culture Campaign to classify Lady GaGa as a Moron.

At issue is Lady GaGa’s controversial new video for her song, “Telephone.” Solicitors representing the Culture Campaign argued that the objectionable content of the video is a necessary and sufficient condition for assigning Lady GaGa a Moron Quotient of 0.90. Mr. Grabass, Lead Solicitor for the Culture Campaign, concluded in his closing remarks that “Only a Moron would consider this video a work of art. Moreover, what kind of person would wear outfits like those worn by the defendant? Only a Moron.”

Ms. Galore, the Solicitor representing Lady GaGa, countered that the Culture Campaign is nothing but a “bunch of  morons.” In her appeal, Ms. Galore argued, “Seriously? Technically, it’s not a music video, it’s a short film, along the line of Michael Jackson’s ‘Thriller.’ Come on, even a Moron can tell the difference between a short film and a music video!”

In a 4-1 decision, The Panel sided with Lady GaGa, and declared that the Culture Coalition is, indeed, a “bunch of morons.” In explaining the opinion of the majority, Mr. Gumbie wrote:

“The Culture Coalition should read my latest book, Me, Myself, and I, LLC. In it, I state very clearly that people should live their lives like a Fortune 500 corporation. In order to achieve success, people need to horizontally integrate their skills and talents, and leverage their assets and those of strategic partners. Morality, then, is not–and should not be–an issue,  just as in the corporate world. Lady GaGa successfully adopted the guidelines I set forth in my book: She synergized her musical talent, her dancing skills, and her artistic vision in order to create an entertaining short film. She then formed a strategic partnership with the preeminent diva of our time, Beyonce. Lady GaGa then leveraged Beyonce’s considerable asset, to create a memorable and significant piece of art.”

Voting with Mr. Gumbie were Gov. Bribescam, Madame Goo Goo, and Ms. Leggs.

Mr. Over, the lone dissenting vote, wrote in his opinion that “this video [emphasis his] is continuing evidence of the moral free fall of America, which is encouraged and endorsed by Hollywood. Anyone who would wantonly undermine the sacred traditional values of these United States of America is unpatriotic and should be sent to some secret location and subjected to enhanced interrogation techniques for their own good and the good of our wonderful, God-fearing nation!”

The calculated Moron Quotient for the Culture Campaign is 0.74, which is a ranking of Moron.

Filed under: Entertainment